Emptiness creeping in again

It is that feeling again, of emptyness, and I thought I would be over it once I have sorted out a couple of this- or couple of things sort out themselves for me. This vacillation of thoughts, back and forth: its almost like the residual pain that runs in my stomach, hitting me with that sensation of hot vacuum.

I thought I would feel some kind of happiness after I am done with my thesis, some sort of satisfaction, or just the joy that I completed it. But no, I don't feel any of those anymore- or I never felt it in anyway in the first place. Yes I was glad to be done, but there seems to no contentment on it, nothing that can give me that sense of satisfaction. yes, i finished it- so what? No joy, no satisfaction, not even any sense of pride! I wonder if all research lead to the same thing, of that hollow empty feeling of just getting another paper out of the way. What happened? Now that I look back, it was the process that was fun, getting things done, understanding them and now that I know a little about it, there is no existence- it has all frizzled out.

It always feels like sum of parts that I am playing here, and I so much need that "whole". What I need is the completeness, the feeling which is more than just "sum of parts" and it is getting harder to explain by the day. No more emotional vulnerability, no more dwelling in the pain- maybe it is just the age, the void keeps growing till it engulfs you completely and makes you lose all the passion that you held so tightly to. The sense of belonging is not even remotely possible: I am making those attempts, but I cannot go beyond a certain part, it is almost like a part of me is submerged in to this pond and now I can neither swim nor walk properly: the most troubling part is sometimes i care, sometimes i just don't. I wish i could balance myself to one of those and then move ahead with whatever I choose.

Maybe the PhD is doing this to me: I don't even know why am I doing it, applying for it- is it just because I am scared to go back home and find that I am not actually "doing what I have always wanted to do"? Is it because it is comfortable here and I don't want to deal with these issues again? Or is it plain boredom: I wish I was more passionate about this decision. It is almost like I don't even care, I don't care if I do it or not- I don't care what I will do after that. Nothing matters anymore: it bothers me that it doesn't matter. I want something to matter. Maybe it is just the absence of the "connection" I am looking for, some kind of stable finger that will help me balance in this unicycle that i am trying to ride. Maybe I am just bored with this place and I need a new one to entertain myself.

While I was working, there were people I could relate to: people that I could just talk to and not feel that isolation. Over here, no matter what the bonding is, it still feels a little dissociated, something is wrong, something is missing. What is it? The shrink thinks that maybe that I have had this exposure, I can not find that stable ground. These days, I am incapable of painting, reading, drawing or even doing things that normally kept me at peace. I feel like I have a long life ahead of me but I am just running out of time to live it. It almost feels like the longevity has increased but the moments are getting shorter and shorter, I am running out of breath and I can see this big mountain that i need to get across. I took my chances, its not working anymore- should I give up? Just keep continuing or should I pause to see where I am going? Either way, I would be fine but then...

Its a bit of a ramble I know, some thoughts just left my head and I am staring at them trying to see where they lead me. Looks like they have frozen in time, just outside the window of my mind.

etiquette

The debate goes on, the verdict is called, smeared with accusations and then thrown in the dungeon. What happened? No one knows, no one cares, but that is not the point. The point is, why was the accusations allowed, why is there a jury? Was it all necessary?

The important questions in life are forgotten, better left forgotten. The deeper you dwell in it, the dirtier your hands with get, you will know how much of chaos, gunk and rottenness we have left, swept and stored under the rug. But it is all shiny on the outside and that is what matters right now. The questions that are supposed to be asked are the shallow ones, the ones that make you shiny- the polished, tantalizing words with perfect voice that mesmerises the audience. Whether they understand it or not, its not the point, do they think its melody?- NO. But everyone will give that nod of approval, the perfect 3 quick nods as accepted by the etiquette filled society.

What went wrong, and where did we lose everything? Why did we lose everything? Is it about losing priorities, values, beliefs? I don't know- but something is missing, something that should have connected life.

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On a different note, I read the article by Korpi looking at the various welfare states to find the causality of public spending on sickness insurance. It was an amazing piece, very few researchers can dig into such dense theory, make sense out of it and then lay it out for laymen to read. Well done Korpi!

in one day

Suddenly it occurred to me, what would I do or choose to do, if i had only one day left on this earth. When I look back, I see my answers have changed all these years (yes, I have always been obsessed with death, dying and the wishes that are left behind)! Now, after maybe a year + few months, when I ponder over the same question again, my answers are changing, or maybe taking different forms...

There was a time when I thought i would do everything and anything rebellious! there was also a time when i thought i would just get wasted, maybe do something really really crazy or scary, but looks like those things are not appealing anymore! Now, if i has only one day in my life left, maybe i would turn back the pages, look back all those lives that have touched me and then tell those people how much they meant to me. I used to think that it was no point of saying those things because i was going away anyways and it would bring an empty sadness to those lives, but now maybe i think differently. Its not about the empty sadness, its about completing the circle of life, laughing joyously, at anything and everything as though it was all a fun ride! It is about being vulnerable and being proud of that ability to be vulnerable- tears are not an aspect of shame, they are the boldest form of emotion! It is all about how I felt, about myself and others!

The only problem I see is that there would be so many people i would need to meet, thank and say how amazing they were. There are so many lives that touched me, so many GURUs that I had, who taught me, made me what i am today. There are so many emotions that helped me grow- mentally, spiritually and emotionally, so many hearts that came across and helped me walk in this path of life-towards the truth (of myself) and maybe for the good. Would I have enough time in one day to say this too all these people? maybe not! So, maybe every night I should have that prayer for everyone on my lips that i am grateful- for the love, the joy and the wisdom that has been bestowed upon me (knowingly or unknowingly)- thank you, I am proud that I had so many spirits in my life who showed me the way!

metta!

thought

In some way it does feel like what Kahlil Gibran meant when he said "and you have your beloved in your prayers while you sleep"... or something like that.

That silent prayer is out for you- wish you happiness and peace.

metta!

chaos

There is definitely something beautiful in painting silhouettes, not only can you rush through them, you actually give them a new meaning when its gone wrong- or has become something you never wanted it to be.

The paint thinner has started hurting my eyes, and my room has become more of an evolutionary junk yard, the books are all strewn- actually they are open and marked the page I read last, some painting on the table, some on the floor. I need to make my way outside and sometimes have to peel off the piles of papers to pick up the phone- not that I want to talk to anyone, just that I need to cancel it before the vibration annoys me! I am not lazy, just trying to prove that entropy is not that bad after all. Its okay!

Fritjof Capra is getting a bit boring- too rhetoric for my taste... sad but everything starts getting redundant at some point- I have read this, you have said this before, many times, different examples and different scenarios- I get it, now say something new, something exciting so that I will want to read another of your book again. He doesn't hear my cry, continues to write the same thing- the cartesian bashing thoughts. Yes, I agree, can we move on now?

Eat healthy-smoke- exercise regularly- drink- eat healthy... iterate!

I want to learn teleportation!