streaming

At times it is so very tiring to work, and then a bit of "some long forgotten lines" appear infront of your eyes and you realize that many things have been lost. You just sink in thoughts. A forgotten face appears, the face of someone who mattered like "hell"; and then you relate the difference.

It takes a big heart, soaked pillows to be able to say "i shall let go", but then again, you just cannot. You see that rust in your heart, clean it up with a nice scrubber, paint it fresh and say i let go... and then suddenly the paint peels off. It is all shabby, torn and rusty again. Sometimes, you just cannot help being yourself, being the weak, fragile, dependent one. And you squirm beneath all those smiles and jokes, the painted face hides away the tears, but that small pain remains between your lips. Then you bite it off, fight back the tears and swallow the sigh. You are ready for another joke, another prank, another fun.

With every "fight back with yourself, your meek heart", you keep repeating, assuring that this pain will fade away and you shall be able to "let go", but then again it stands there on your pillow, laughing mercilessly at your "not good enough determination".

You want it so bad. What? The situation to be in control. Again the face of someone appears, someone who patronized you, carried you in his arms when you were a kid. Someone who said the destination was nearby when you were tired, someone to held you, made sure you didn't go hungry in the long journey. Someone who even stooped down so that you could giggle and climb his shoulders. You are sad again... you've lost so many things in teh past, you just let those moments slip between your fingers. You never let him know what he was to you, and suddenly he is gone; you cant say you are sorry that you never "bothered", you cannot say thankyou for being "a part of my life", you cannot even say "i am proud to have been a part of you". You just type on the blog and fight back tears!

And then you promise again-- here onwards, i shall not let teh moments pass by, i shall cherish and live completely; another promise to be forgotten in the busy schedule of life. Another part of life lost in the money making racket!

You decide and then suddenly you are scared that you decided. You are scared to hurt; so you continue scarring yourself all the time; repenting, paying back, and suddenly you realize that you have so much to take- again you are scared to ask for what you have to get! You are scared to give lest you have given just too much. You start trading relations, give and take. You lost the trust, you want everything to be balanced.

You visualise someone who had always given you; without ever getting anything in return. Now you feel guilty to have never given. You want to GIVE now, without being paid back. You look for something that you can give, but just realize these are nothing of your own; they have all been given to you by someone or the other! How much have you taken??? O Lord, save me! You beg, unable to give, incapable of taking-- you are lost in coma, paralysed; and then you live in anaesthesia for longer and longer...