and then, i plan

I have planned to write regularly, not as a routine, but just as another mundane existence in my life, and i do very well with these kind of things. I mean i need to write, to be able to get out of one phase and then again dwell in another. like drinking- where you drink, and with every sip you kind of snap yourself out of thoughts, move to another thought, like the bubbles that buzz in your mouth, as a thought, till the ice hits your lips and you feel like you need some more, so you pour some more, another time for snaps, another time to think and you keep pouring till it either empties your head or your bottle-whatever comes first.

Life in the US has been no different than it would have been in Nepal, its as though i am trying to drown myself with work-more studying or learning, as though there has to be something that will able to fill my void and i want to lean towards it. I like the idea of learning- i always have, but they don't seem to coincide with what i would consider learning. Learning for me is more like a thought process, where even if i don't know where i am going, i still believe i am developing the tools which will enable me to go where i want to- not where someone else wants me to go. But, am i learning that, i don't know, and maybe that makes me push harder, through the sleepless nights, in the books of cynicism and the idea of pain- it all feels good because i have pushed myself too hard- like that little bubble of lactic acid that has been developed in my brains and now the ache feels better, it feels like life...

I wonder what hypocrisy is all about. Why is infidelity over-rated, i mean what is this whole idea of permanence, stability, security. Why are we so cautious, so needy to be secure, and why the hell is this thing called future so important? Sometimes i feel as though the whole life is a drag, because we give so much of importance to things- goodness, virtue and all, i mean what is this, why have been put up a hallmark in things like these, who defines it? What is goodness, whats loyalty? Not that i would want people to harm each other, i wish everyone was more understanding, more compassionate and more themselves, with joy, with exuberance in their thoughts, without the pride of perseverance... I really wish things, the definitions didn't exist anymore, there was this mild mellow feeling of happiness, feeling of joy in others happiness and the "willingness" to live, to love and to learn existed. Something thats s much lacking in this life, amongst people. I mean they talk so much about "bringing in good" and are so adamant about what they think is "right", how can those two things go together, if you are adamant, that is the first sign to say that you are not willing to understand, you are not willing to finish a chapter and move further, you are not willing to learn.

I know i am just rambling, been a long day, long night and some random snippets of thoughts that just don't correlate or mix very well with the other "longness" that exists in my life.

Whatever