The ones who trek...

In my years of trekking, though the mountains, i have kind of made a collage of all kinds of people ho trek, and though not applicable always, these people can actually be generalized in certain ways. Though, now trekking is more like a fashion- reaching a certain place and then ticking it off the mark to say that you have reach a certain base camp, or lake or pass or whatever... but during these years i have observed one common trait in those people- they are the people who admire majestic views. Not that it has to be a good trait, but it definitely is something- to understand that the Himalayas actually make you bow down, because they are just there, so big, so majestic! It is not even a defeated pride, or some kind of new "glamour" humility that people feel, but it is that quiet acknowledgement and respect that comes, even if it never existed,the mountains bring it out. So, after a trek, whether people realize it or not, there is something different in them, the stress, the work and the mountains brought that "ability to bow down in respect" for them.

I realized i like to trek alone, i like to travel alone because it gives me that space, the time and breath to actually see things. I feel more observant, more silent, more resilient towards things than when i am with somebody else. When i am by myself, i feel like i learn more, things and universe as whole. I understand my fears and my loneliness better- not necessarily a fun way of learning things, but then it sure is a WAY, the right approach, cutting deep down, into the bones telling me how fragile i am, what scares, what haunts me and how afraid i am sometimes. I think i have learnt to forgive more after i started traveling and trekking on my own. The small mistakes that i picked up for myself, on others- its not really worth it. I used to be proud of myself, but i guess with the eventual learning i got by being with myself i have started taking pride in what i do, and the whole idea of "my" action is blurring out, as though the smoke in a distance that just frizzles out, existing but non-existant. More than anything, i feel like i have learnt to forgive myself and moved on. That was the biggest step- berating myself for things, blaming others for situations and circumstances that were painful was definitely a wrong thing, and most importantly i was wronging myself. Self pity? well, maybe, kind of.

The biggest learning step was the Kanchanjunga trek, it was the point where i understood the value of love, how much i was loved, by many people in my lives. The value of those quiet understanding of friends, family and R. How much i took for granted- family wise, i realized how hard it would be for my parents to see their daughter just leave for the wild, on her own, without information or anything. They still let me go, i know they wished i didn't, by no means i was helping them, but they understood i had to do it for myself, and they respected it. Friends, who were there for me all the time, through the thick and then thin, how we stuck by each other in the moments of anger and frustration, no matter how much we rubbed on the wrong side, we were always there. I guess i have just been very lucky when it comes to friends, and maybe thats why i take this whole idea for granted- but they are all beautiful, and i suddenly realized in that trek that how lucky i had always been, without really realizing it. Then, R, i have no words to explain what i felt for him. Though i will never tell him what i feel for him, and things have changed a lot in the last few months, but i feel blessed to have someone like him in my life. He has been like a soulmate, a silent quiet shadow who is there, everytime and it was during that trek i realized how much i missed that shadow. I always wanted him to define our relationship, it was more than friendship, in fact more than love itself. It was that quiet nod of acceptance in each other's lives, something we both knew existed but never had to give words to it. How wrong was i to have wanted him to explain our relationship. How much i took all of that for granted! I know it is okay, he understands it all, but i knew that day when i was in Ghunsa that i was a better person, only because of him. He was the one who made me more attached, more compassionate and more humane!

So, you see, people who trek are not the ones who are "cool" or "hip" or "nature lover", they are more like lost souls who find their ways in the wildness and learn to reshape themselves, hopefully for the better. It is the lone trekkers who find that time to sit back and thank for the lives and the people they have, to be grateful for all the joy, happiness and love that has been bestowed upon them. The idea of "worthiness" blurs out because it is the time to rejoice at life, a time to say that silent prayer to the soul which has been quenched finally under those majestic mountains, a soul which freshens, enlivens and thrives there!