Blink Blink- you little sadist...

I began this cranky feeling since a while, as though I want to die, somewhere where no one would be able to see my body or see how I trembled in fear during that last stop. I wanted to die in way, with that insecurity of no-love, no one around me, no one to touch or feel, and then after all that, when my body had captured all those feelings within itself in the form of vibes, I wanted no one to see me except those wild animals who would come to feast upon me, sense that fear and relish it, the fear that still lingers in the prey, long after she is dead. How would it really be to live like that, with those quivering thoughts, always stuck to the lips, realizing the insignificance, the loss of existence!

It is as though I want this world, this thought, this fear to stay here, still, so that I can touch it, closely, feel the iciness, till the chill runs through my spine and then stop, laugh that bitter laughter to the world, to myself, my past and my future, my thoughts and my attitude, laugh at everything that is respectful and sacred, laugh that demonic laughter, throw down everything from that pedestal of dignity, let it bite the dirt! How would that feel? Finally? The chase is over- the needs are gone now, I don't feel anything anymore, I try to be nice because I know the pain of being neglected... but then, why now? Why now, when i have lost this faith in relationships and family? Is it all worth it anymore? Grumpus said that maybe they need a second chance, and they deserve it, so why not try? True... why not? After all everything that I am today exists because of them, right? How come now I can be nice, but still not feel anything? still feel so detached! M said she would buy me vaseline- I should have been happy that she remembered, it did make me smile, but then how come I still couldn't feel it? How can I be so numb? Why don't I want to be the part of it anymore? Is it love gone bad? Have I become incapable of "feeling" altogether?

U said that I was incapable of not-feeling, and that is because I feel too much, so much that it usually ends up pushing me against the wall, or off the cliff every now and then. But it was then, those vain attempts... of trying to be the part of family, wanting to be loved, wanting to be at least spoken kindly to, trying to prove so hard that i was a worthy child, voraciously feeding on books instead of food- thinking they were the best way out, its been 16 years now... too little too late.

Its over, so the sadist blinks away the tears, its no point trying, I attempted in vain then, now its your turn....