one word- compassion

I realized on thing in the past, that I don't feel "hatred" for anything, and sometimes it is misinterpreted as "compassion", but yeah, its not compassion. Maybe it is just that I have never been able to surrender to something so strong, so vehement, or maybe it is the inability to feel so strongly for anything. Not that I am compassionate (yes, I would like to be more compassionate) or indifferent to anything, but I don't feel that energy to fervently worship the "hatred" for anything. It is way too powerful, too strong and too far to reach out to and i am not that motivated.

So, if i am unable to feel jealous or insecure, does that mean i just don't care? Or does it mean that I hold that utmost faith in something/someone that nothing can shake it, or maybe I am too indifferent to it, maybe it does not matter to me, maybe it never did. Maybe I never cared. And sometimes i feel like i don't want to care either. There is so much of energy, so much of negativity that i feel like the earth literally moves, spins on that energy. Do I want to spend some of my own energy on that, so do I have enough to spare? Ummm, why so much hate? why so much anger to anything. It is a weird kind of intellectual curiosity I have, as though i want to pause, hold that "hatred", fanaticism, jealousy, insecurity, anger, narcissism in my hands and feel what it is actually like. How does it feel on the fingertips, on the skin of my palm, would it be red-coal hot or a cold stone that has been left out in the rain, with some slipperiness?

Life is way too short to be spent on this, the tug of war, snatching things, believing that you are always deprived of what you deserve, thinking some is always wrong, afraid to admit your mistake, afraid to accept love, afraid to think, to stop or pause.

Its weird, I never wanted anyone to sketch me, or paint me, is it because I don't want anyone to spend any time on me, or was it indifference to the whole thought, too lazy to be in one position, or the stubbornness that no one on earth can make me DO something unless i really want it. Why do i draw pictures of people i don't care? Why did i never draw, or sketch A? Maybe I never wanted anyone to know how deeply i felt, it is as though i didn't want myself to know that- it would be too hard, too brutal, devastating.

I miss you, sometimes, so intensely that it hurts, bad.