Eclipsed Thoughts

touching it, and then...

2011-12-29T00:19:00.000-08:00

It is heartbreaking to see someone you care for- when they have this cloud of gloom in their eyes. You feel its because of you, but then you don't know what to do- You leave them, thinking they would be happier if you were not around, but then you know deep down that would make it worse. So, you just touch them, till they stabilize, till you have the strength to, and then you exhaust and crumble. Now maybe you have nothing more to give, and they don't need it either- Even worse?

follow

2011-11-20T23:18:00.000-08:00

Stop said my mind, and then it stopped.

You foolish heart, you already have too much in your place. Continue pumping the blood, don't do anything else- you will exhaust yourself!

On the grind

2011-09-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you know that it is ultimately wrong, something won't work out- What is more difficult, to keep pursuing it despite the knowledge that it would never work, or to let it go sandily, after hanging on to it so strong for such a long time? Time passes, people die, some live, some continue...

The good thing about having an addiction to work- being a workaholic is that you are always on the grind, emotions and thoughts that are related to pain are usually left behind, all you have with you is over-caffeinated blood stream, blood shot eyes after a couple of hours sleep, bad cracking back... but you feel the heart-beat, the one that says "its fun".

One part of me says that I am lucky, I have been with a few people whose presence I cherished so much that I would rather be with that individual than anything/anyone else at that moment- I have been truly HAPPY, and maybe that is what causes this pain of not being able to feel that again. Not be able to be at that point, all I can do now is just be with the moment, and enjoy it- I do, but that soul, the happiness is missing.

Halt, pause, turn around...

2011-05-31T17:29:00.000-07:00

I want you to stop there, before you come barging in, just pause, and then slowly turn around and leave quickly, before i change my mind and beg you to come in.

cleansing

2011-05-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

I sorted out- cleaned my inbox. Does it make any difference? I don't know, Why did i do it then? I don't know. Will it make a difference? I don't know. Hope it hurts less now.

one word- compassion

2011-05-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

I realized on thing in the past, that I don't feel "hatred" for anything, and sometimes it is misinterpreted as "compassion", but yeah, its not compassion. Maybe it is just that I have never been able to surrender to something so strong, so vehement, or maybe it is the inability to feel so strongly for anything. Not that I am compassionate (yes, I would like to be more compassionate) or indifferent to anything, but I don't feel that energy to fervently worship the "hatred" for anything. It is way too powerful, too strong and too far to reach out to and i am not that motivated.

So, if i am unable to feel jealous or insecure, does that mean i just don't care? Or does it mean that I hold that utmost faith in something/someone that nothing can shake it, or maybe I am too indifferent to it, maybe it does not matter to me, maybe it never did. Maybe I never cared. And sometimes i feel like i don't want to care either. There is so much of energy, so much of negativity that i feel like the earth literally moves, spins on that energy. Do I want to spend some of my own energy on that, so do I have enough to spare? Ummm, why so much hate? why so much anger to anything. It is a weird kind of intellectual curiosity I have, as though i want to pause, hold that "hatred", fanaticism, jealousy, insecurity, anger, narcissism in my hands and feel what it is actually like. How does it feel on the fingertips, on the skin of my palm, would it be red-coal hot or a cold stone that has been left out in the rain, with some slipperiness?

Life is way too short to be spent on this, the tug of war, snatching things, believing that you are always deprived of what you deserve, thinking some is always wrong, afraid to admit your mistake, afraid to accept love, afraid to think, to stop or pause.

Its weird, I never wanted anyone to sketch me, or paint me, is it because I don't want anyone to spend any time on me, or was it indifference to the whole thought, too lazy to be in one position, or the stubbornness that no one on earth can make me DO something unless i really want it. Why do i draw pictures of people i don't care? Why did i never draw, or sketch A? Maybe I never wanted anyone to know how deeply i felt, it is as though i didn't want myself to know that- it would be too hard, too brutal, devastating.

I miss you, sometimes, so intensely that it hurts, bad.

Time stops here...

2011-05-28T00:40:00.000-07:00

Somethings are best left by themselves and some things need to be worked on. Sometimes the distinction between them is so blurry, so chaotic and transient that it is difficult to decide on what needs to be changed and what should be "not-bothered". Not that anyone would care that much, still... I have nothing else to write- that is all..

continuity?

2011-05-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

The first sight attraction, and then it increases, further more, maybe a teeny crush after sometime, obsession, then addiction, and then, then what? Where do all these emotions go? like non-existent beings do they just frizzle out? or is there a black hole on the other end, receiving all these relentlessly, obsessively and never bothering to reflect them? What would happen if you stop feeding the black hole? Would she try to find some other source, or would she start feeding onto herself, an endless cycle beginning- without any end...

Wait a second? Are feelings, thoughts energies? Where do they go? How are they spent? How do they change their form? What forms do they change to?

reluctant emotion

2011-05-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

"I beg your pardon", very very elegant sentence, almost sounds like a guy trying to impress on the first date, a girl too beautiful who wouldn't give a damn to this guy who is trying way too hard. Isn't that ironic that you keep your heart up your sleeve for the one who is indifferent, uncaring, beyond you, while you ignore and run away from the one who is head over heels for you. Why is it? Is it the sense of boredom, a fear of "not growing" or just a case of reluctant emotion?

Is it the sense of challenge that keeps you going in a relationship? With another person, with your friend, your pet, with humanity in general, with society? Wouldn't be ultimately very boring if you were never challenging enough? the people around you not intimidating? your relationship not threatening? How boring and dull would life be if you were not pushed to your limits, as though you always want to live in that brink... U said I always lived 6 feet from the edge, always there, as though i wanted it, that way... Maybe its true... I would always take learning over security, challenge over safety, and maybe thats how i want to live... I always ended up giving an impression that I am reckless, i argue for the sake of it, but is that how it is? Randomness has a deeper meaning than that, you just have to look at it closely, re-think and you will see it, glaring back at you, the purpose of randomness, the acceptance in the reluctant emotion.

Public humiliation is biggest respect you can pay to your relationship- You believe that you know the other person, and are comfortable enough to push that limit, those boundaries! Now, now, who is going to argue this random thought... hmmm...

click click

2011-05-15T00:45:00.000-07:00

Some pictures taken, some left alone to be memorized, and some to be forgotten- How would that explain what goes inside that quiet exterior? Should it come under the forgotten? or remembered? or safe-kept?

Pause, keep still, otherwise it will all be blurry... stop, think, otherwise you will lose the essence. Maybe you are in a hurry, rush to get somewhere, but what if the the destination is ultimately me? What if the path you have chosen is not the shortest distance between the two points? What if you take a million steps, while i was just a step away and then, you got lost in the labyrinth, without ever getting out of it?

Ponder, rethink, derive- life is still a set of equations, but maybe this time you need to interpret them differently

take it!

2011-05-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

It is weird thought, maybe because it belongs to a very unfamiliar ground- its cool when people have no issues accepting things. Would you like this?- Yes, no thanks, nothing said. It is cool, nice in some ways!

Gypsie Spirit

2011-05-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

I miss the gypsiness in me, how wonderful it was, to throw away the cares, to feel nothing and just walk, walk, walk a little bit more, with some thoughts, munching on memories till they tire out and then get over with... how was the life then, the work, too much work, it was almost like living the moment, almost like a cosmic love, as though i had the glimmer of that ray, that fell from someone else's heart...

it was like restoring the pieces, how did the pain grow, with meaning- it is strange that i can actually get some meaning in my life because someone else is suffering- how sick is that? Sometimes i disgust myself! actually i disgust myself all the time, maybe it is the humour that i try to use as the napkin, to cleanse my conscience... the sickening thought that tries to hold on to the last straw, to find some kind of refuge in someone else's pain! Hoe ironic is it, how disgusting- in one hand i want to see everyone happy and on the other hand it is the same people's sorrow that gives me a purpose to do something- maybe life is itself a big fucking joke!

Run, walk, for all those, whose life you have touched, and maybe at some point if i ever have been able to bring some kind of happiness to someone, i might be able to forgive myself for being me....

uh uh!

2011-05-01T16:00:00.001-07:00

To be or not to be- who cares really? Like, Noah began that big foolish project, you should too, and it makes absolutely no difference what people think of you- unless you want it to make a difference!

Maybe say a silent prayer to the beer lord,

The Lager,

Who art in Barrel,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

At home as if in the tavern,

Give us this day our foamy head,

and forgive us our spillages,

as we forgive those who spill against us.

Lead us not to incarceration,

but deliver us from hangovers,

For thine if the beer, the bitter, the lager,

Forever and ever,

-------------------------Barmen!

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Maybe th lager god will appear, wipe its murky stinky hand on the clean white table cloth you just got out of the dryer, and then give that silly grin- you would feel insanely happy because you are so frustrated-high of booze, and the life, the goodness disappears!

Cranko!

Blink Blink- you little sadist...

2011-05-01T01:18:00.000-07:00

I began this cranky feeling since a while, as though I want to die, somewhere where no one would be able to see my body or see how I trembled in fear during that last stop. I wanted to die in way, with that insecurity of no-love, no one around me, no one to touch or feel, and then after all that, when my body had captured all those feelings within itself in the form of vibes, I wanted no one to see me except those wild animals who would come to feast upon me, sense that fear and relish it, the fear that still lingers in the prey, long after she is dead. How would it really be to live like that, with those quivering thoughts, always stuck to the lips, realizing the insignificance, the loss of existence!

It is as though I want this world, this thought, this fear to stay here, still, so that I can touch it, closely, feel the iciness, till the chill runs through my spine and then stop, laugh that bitter laughter to the world, to myself, my past and my future, my thoughts and my attitude, laugh at everything that is respectful and sacred, laugh that demonic laughter, throw down everything from that pedestal of dignity, let it bite the dirt! How would that feel? Finally? The chase is over- the needs are gone now, I don't feel anything anymore, I try to be nice because I know the pain of being neglected... but then, why now? Why now, when i have lost this faith in relationships and family? Is it all worth it anymore? Grumpus said that maybe they need a second chance, and they deserve it, so why not try? True... why not? After all everything that I am today exists because of them, right? How come now I can be nice, but still not feel anything? still feel so detached! M said she would buy me vaseline- I should have been happy that she remembered, it did make me smile, but then how come I still couldn't feel it? How can I be so numb? Why don't I want to be the part of it anymore? Is it love gone bad? Have I become incapable of "feeling" altogether?

U said that I was incapable of not-feeling, and that is because I feel too much, so much that it usually ends up pushing me against the wall, or off the cliff every now and then. But it was then, those vain attempts... of trying to be the part of family, wanting to be loved, wanting to be at least spoken kindly to, trying to prove so hard that i was a worthy child, voraciously feeding on books instead of food- thinking they were the best way out, its been 16 years now... too little too late.

Its over, so the sadist blinks away the tears, its no point trying, I attempted in vain then, now its your turn....

Tasting "not-testing" you

2011-04-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered about tasting me, and by that I don't mean "testing" in anyway. Maybe they are both the same things on the surface, but they are intrinsically different variables, they as different as are the deep sponges that soak in the ocean water. From the top, they all look the same, but ask a deep-sea diver...

Have you ever wanted to taste Buddha, see what he really felt, thought, understood, his decisions that he made, the decisions that he decided to not-make, the mistakes that he wanted to fix, and the mistakes he wouldn't undo if he got another chance. Have you ever thought of tasting Jesus, how he felt to wake up from the dead, with that big cross tied to his body, how he would look up in the sky and say "wish i had a mother instead of a father". Have you ever thought of tasting that tree which brings forth the understanding of giving, not as a self-sacrifice, but as a process of growth, to procreate, to expand.

Have you ever thought of tasting yourself, how it feels to be not-you sometimes, to learn something that always scared you, to look back, and relax, smile at the stupid jokes which you never thought were funny? Have you ever thought of tasting me, see how I think, of you, of the world, of people around me, of the Buddha, the Jesus, the Tree, of life, masochism, pain and bitterness? Maybe tasting by itself is a BIG JOKE! But have you ever thought of tasting that Big Joke and then regretting it for the rest of your life?

I know I sound very stupid, in fact, sometimes I like to do that, maybe just to taste you. And no way, I am not testing you- i think its too simple to test people, tasting them is more of a personal thing- it is as though I am willing to take that risk of "feeling" something without knowing whether it would be painful/blissful later. It might leave a sweet tenderness in my life, or maybe I will rinse my mouth for the rest of my life to get rid of the "after taste" of you. Testing you would be an insult, to what I feel for you, to what I value my feelings. Sometimes it is better to know the limits, but sometimes its just fun to roll with it!!!

the void engulfs again...

2011-04-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

How does it really feel when the void engulfs? Feels like, like, like-- void, right? It is a weird feeling of nothing ness, as though i can almost taste the emptiness, and yes, there is a difference between "nothingness" and emptiness, one of about completion, and another is more of an "aftertaste" of a very bad stressful day, where you don't feel like doing anything besides lie down and sleep.

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Sometimes i feel like a "background noise", a sound that just exists there, without any affect or significance, as though it just blends in, somehow.

***************************************

Sometimes it is difficult to take anything at the face value when your gut tells you otherwise. Harder is to find words that would fit in the silence between the sentences/words. Hardest is to acknowledge that the words fit in the "pause" so well- So well, that it is scary!

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Which is more worrying- someone gives you a cold shoulder while you approach, or that the same person is making/taking that extra step to acknowledge your presence?

That reminds me, I quite like it when someone gives me a cold shoulder, it is amusing, but that someone has to be random someone, not someone who matters to me... but well, analysis is fun, and so is the humour behind self-deprecation!

I wonder why do we dream of the same person so often? I haven't dreamt of A, its weird, for a very long time. Do we dream of someone because we think of them often or is it because they think of us often? It would be interesting to know- maybe there is a third factor, that there is some kind of deep connection- like family of souls, a group of people we randomly meet, who could be our family of souls, like Y said...

Interesting :)

Human Addiction

2011-04-17T23:14:00.000-07:00

A rehabilitation centre maybe, somewhere, cramped and isolated, to keep all the addicts together, make sure that the world doesn't sneer at them, and then the palm greens, start reminding you of someone, some thought, and then you kneel, and pray that you have enough strength to still remember of the one person, who has been the biggest drug in your life, and you fail to point the finger on it, it is as though it is a crime to say it loud, strong. You pray because you know no matter how hard you try, you can't get over the thought, the thought of a part of you slashed away, and you want to meet that person again, and ask your slashed away part to be returned back to you.

Okay, maybe another scene- a farm house, somewhere deep in the fields, with happiness and abundance all around you, the sound of animals and the sound of silence all together, as though it is a form of meditation, levitating, trying to lift you up, above the evil and nastiness and bitterness all around you, but you can't lift yourself up because you have been strapped with the memory, and the boots are heavy, painful but you can't throw them away. You just wish and pray that the blisters don't get too sore because that might actually kill you, or maybe you just want to die because you cannot rejoice in the happiness anymore, it stings, like those painful tears that you used to soak the pillows.

Maybe another scene- You are at the centre of the most nefarious society, booze, drugs, hallucinogens, all around you, a lavish show of sex and lust, and you want to drown in it, because you are done with the purity, you had enough, you have given too much love and now you have nothing left for yourself besides self-pity, remorse and maybe that pain that still is somewhere deep down in your heart that is questioning you- how could you let it happen, how could you let that small pure heart of yourself blacken, what were you thinking? The sad part is, the heart is still pure, it wants to mend itself but you don't want to give it the chance, you want to drown but your body is buoyant, it is incapable of drowning in this picture, you know your body, your self doesn't belong here- maybe no one belongs in this frame, maybe everyone is pretending!

Maybe you should STOP for a while and realize- this is addiction, the purest form, the most good-intended, the highest high of your life, the HUMAN ADDICTION. Maybe you should stop to see how much you have learnt from this, your weaknesses and your fragility, and maybe you should stop to see that learning is not always about "changing things when you know it hurts", sometimes it goes deeper than that, it is about realizing what you are and how strong you are. It is about the knowledge that you being a human are capable of giving yourself to that strongest bond in humanity, where you can stretch yourself to any extent for the simplest joy- of seeing someone happy! Maybe you should stop to realize that you don't need to go to a rehabilitation centre to get out of addiction, you don't have to live a recluse life among the silence to get away from memories, you don't have to drown in other forms of addiction- You are here, in the present, learning about yourself, unveiling the mystery.

Maybe I should stop telling you what to do, maybe you should figure it out for yourself.

Howcome?

2011-04-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

It still takes me by surprise to see how people think about equity, equality and fairness. I mean, is it just a tendency among the ones who are more "privileged" that think inequality is a fair game, because without it there would be no competition, there would be no development? The morning class today depressed me, in a way, maybe it would have been better if there were more people who knew the brunt of "less-privileged" in the society! You don't necessarily have to be born in a poor family or low social class to know what it is like. Or maybe you keep your eyes shut, ignorance is bliss they say!

It is amazing how naive people WANT to be about things, how unrelated, as though it is all a competition in numbers and charts, everything is put in percentiles, in boxes, the best comment was "how can China be more sensitive towards Global Warming than USA?" That was like the biggest jolt, so harrowing to know that conditioning has led all of us to a point where we are unable to accept something that is different from our own beliefs, no wonder people kill each other in the name of religion, faith! How different is the thought that "USA can't be less sensitive about China regarding environment" than saying that "Jesus is above any other God in the world, or vice-versa"? Talk about being a fundamentalist, and then trying to learn about development!

Okay, accepted that morality is not a part of economics, but dude, really? Well, i guess i am only rambling because I am so thoroughly disappointed by the class, bad bad start of the day- to a point that i didn't even want to discuss, or don't want to discuss about development or equality or anything anymore!

Meh! Whatever...

The erupting fear

2011-04-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels so funny, as though you want to write something, but the warm feelings that fill in your soul are so complete that you cease to feel that need to write. It feels like the world is a good place to live, everything is fine. And then you just stop, smile, close your web-browser and leave.

Lets go

2011-04-08T22:27:00.000-07:00

Grumpus said "it is so exciting", maybe it is, maybe it is not. A thought still at the back of my head, thinking whether it is exciting or not, in a way it is, motivating, pushing you towards betterment (maybe not), but in a way it is not that fun after all, it leaves you so out in open, vulnerable, troubled, affected and fidgety all the time.

Off-beat

2011-04-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

Something is different, it feels a bit weird now, as though "I know that you know that I know" kind of a situation.

The weirder part is- it feels good :)

the good, the thought and the feeling

2011-04-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

It is extremely important to know how expressive your face is, sometimes you fail to realize that there are people, anxiously reading you, your emotions. Maybe it is good to be expressive, but failing to hide your "affected" emotions because of someone else, letting your vulnerable side open up, cutting open the wounds may not be a very bright idea. Is the anger that came up, if it was, why? because you are affected, or because you don't know why should you be affected. Someone knows which nerve to press, someone is using you as a puppet, to see how you react or act, to sense you, to know you and you unconsciously, unknowingly let them read you as though you were some sort of mathematical equation- Some just understand what it means, some just don't.

I always felt that there was some kind of purity in numbers, they stand out, they just are there and no matter how you look at them, they still signify the same thing. You would keep changing the use of the numbers as per your convenience, but they still hold that innate integrity and now matter how you try to interpret them, they exist in their own pure way. It is amazing, and the more amazing part is, numbers don't modify themselves to make it easy or difficult for people to understand them. What an ultimate truth in things- it doesn't change for your convenience, you want to understand it, move ahead the right way, put in that effort and get it. Otherwise, well, nevermind...

The same with people, we are all so "individual" so integral, so "I" that we exert all that force of truth about ourselves to people. It is for them to know how we are, whether they understand, can read us is completely up to them. The only point is, whether they read us or not, we still remain "ourselves", just like numbers. Thats the truth, so despite the fact whether someone understands us or not, we will still be what we are, with our outer layers changing, the inner beings changing. But that particular time, that moment, we are we... and later again we are "we", maybe in a different way. Ultimately it is summation of all those moments of us, where we changed with time that makes a "life of us", but that "oneness" exists in each minute particle, in each moment, thoughts, feelings.

I wonder why would you be affected because someone else is looking "affected". Attraction? Affinity? Empathy? Do you know why it affected you, what did you have, what did the other person have- that ties the both of you. Did you feel it the first time or did the other person "created" that tie, while you were unconscious. It could all be a "game", to entangle you, to take you in captivity or maybe just to experiment with your mind, tease your feelings/thoughts! Or maybe you started the game, maybe unknowingly, and now the other person knows the rules and is playing it against you while you have already forgotten what you started. That would be so sad, isn't it?

Metta!

relationships, sometimes blurry

2011-04-06T21:24:00.000-07:00

And then i went to sleep, mainly because i didn't want to talk anymore, or because the way you hold me, hurts me!

You wouldn't understand, and you wanted to hold on tighter, afraid to lose me, but you had already lost me, you see, i had already made up my mind. You just sealed my decision, and it ended, i made a decision, you helped me reach the "conclusion" and it was all easy after that. We drifted apart, and the only part i regret is how did i even think it would all work out, it should have, it didn't, i should have known myself better than that. I should have known it all along, maybe i did, maybe i was just afraid, i was afraid that i will float, away, drift... so i decided to hang on to something, something more stable.

I realised, it was so comfortable with A, so easy, how come it was so difficult with you. Maybe i wasn't trying hard enough, so i tried, harder, but then ended up burning out, tired... Then, i stopped, pondered and contemplated my life- I needed to change direction, and i did. sorry

fear of touch..

2011-04-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

Once G said to be, "beauty should be admired, not touched", I thought he was mad, or rambling something he didn't know what he was talking about. But is true, somethings are so beautiful, so wholesome that it is difficult to touch them, lest you leave a mark, a scar, a stain. Maybe this is what our ancestors thought was "sacred", and started worshiping the beauty, from far, with prayers, afraid to touch.

I remember the face, moon-lit, partially in shadow, and i was so afraid to touch, afraid that i would disturb it, so i just sat there, for hours, admiring that face. Would life have been different if i would have touched it then, so, maybe there is another part of me, in a parallel universe, who is living another life because she chose to touch the beauty, and maybe there is another me in another universe who is still sitting there, admiring the beauty.

Or maybe if you touch the beauty, it loses its charm, not in absolute value, but in perspective as though, something diminishes along the way. Maybe you shouldn't have touched it, it would remain beautiful, or maybe it was worth touching it and then losing that "admiration". Maybe it is just healthy this way, more alive, more living. Time to learn things, and maybe the thoughts that I shared with E are finally making sense. Welcome to the world of nirvaan, switch the an.

randomness personified

2011-03-17T00:43:00.000-07:00

Thoughts just come and go- just like another existence, another sip of water, another cup of coffee, maybe if it was a year back, i would have said another cigarette, another swirl of smoke dying in this universe. Thoughts bouncing back and forth, feeling the numbness and deteriorating with every raindrop. Sometimes the rain just seeps in, rusts and makes it all hollow inside and i keep mumbling "i am not a paper tiger" to myself. What heavy thoughts!

I wonder if we try to cleanse our guilts, our pasts all the time. I wonder if you have done something wrong, something you can never utter, do you do something to clean that wrong, to rinse your soul, to make amends? Or do you just walk away, thinking it another part of a difficult life- thinking you had no choice, thinking you didn't know better? Walking away is so much more easier... but what if you meet that person on the road after 20 years? How would you react? Would you still remember what you did to that person during the time "when you didn't know better"? What if she still remembers it, and along with that memory curses you every night before she goes to sleep? What if she has stopped having any more faith in humans after the wrong that you do... what if that has completely changed her wishes, wants, desires in life? What if that really changed everything in her?

Though i don't believe that there is anything that changes people. I am a firm, rather a strong believer of every person having some "innate" properties, wishes and desires come under the same umbrella. Still, what if... I mean, some things are so strong, so vulnerable at the same time that the difference line becomes blurry, it gets so blurry and so thin that it is quite scary to even think of it. It hurts your eyes because you have to squint so hard to see...

I read pots message today and I don't know why, but i felt so elated when she wrote "you are the most moral person I know". It brings some kind of joy to my life that I have tried to be good, and maybe to some extent been successful as well. i need to study now.

Obsession

2011-03-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

A fainted picture, maybe sephia, taken two decades back, kept neatly under some plastic covers, proper insulated, locked safely in the heart of those magic cupboards, which safe-keep everything, even memories. You kept them so long, so well that sometimes they tend to vanish away from the mind, as though they are more like some gems, you never wear them, never need them- but they are just there to boost your ego, your wealth-- thats what those pictures do, boost your wealth of memories, the memories you almost forgot with time.

Do you remember what it was like when those moments were taken? Not really, not exactly, actually not at all, still why do you stick to them as though these are the life jackets you need to wear in that boat which is sinking? Why don't you just swim, what kind of life jacket is it that you have even forgotten how to strap to yourself, what help is that? The fond memories, the "best friend pictures", the childhood stickers of superman, the keep-sakes, the small teddy bears, the plastic flowers, the birthday cards, the old stamps, the torn journals, the faded thoughts- everything. And later you just start filtering, you filter and filter...

I have stopped that need to keep those pictures, stopped needing to revisit the childhood memory lanes, because i have forgotten the path and sometime when i visit those lanes, i get lost and there was nothing called GPS then, the technology took a long to evolve... It is not that i am afraid of losing my path, it is just that it is time-consuming, and not something that i consider is productive. I don't grow tracing back those lanes, i just get lost, no point you see...

I was about to write about obsession, but yeah, i got lost again- thats me!

and then, i plan

2011-03-08T19:17:00.000-08:00

I have planned to write regularly, not as a routine, but just as another mundane existence in my life, and i do very well with these kind of things. I mean i need to write, to be able to get out of one phase and then again dwell in another. like drinking- where you drink, and with every sip you kind of snap yourself out of thoughts, move to another thought, like the bubbles that buzz in your mouth, as a thought, till the ice hits your lips and you feel like you need some more, so you pour some more, another time for snaps, another time to think and you keep pouring till it either empties your head or your bottle-whatever comes first.

Life in the US has been no different than it would have been in Nepal, its as though i am trying to drown myself with work-more studying or learning, as though there has to be something that will able to fill my void and i want to lean towards it. I like the idea of learning- i always have, but they don't seem to coincide with what i would consider learning. Learning for me is more like a thought process, where even if i don't know where i am going, i still believe i am developing the tools which will enable me to go where i want to- not where someone else wants me to go. But, am i learning that, i don't know, and maybe that makes me push harder, through the sleepless nights, in the books of cynicism and the idea of pain- it all feels good because i have pushed myself too hard- like that little bubble of lactic acid that has been developed in my brains and now the ache feels better, it feels like life...

I wonder what hypocrisy is all about. Why is infidelity over-rated, i mean what is this whole idea of permanence, stability, security. Why are we so cautious, so needy to be secure, and why the hell is this thing called future so important? Sometimes i feel as though the whole life is a drag, because we give so much of importance to things- goodness, virtue and all, i mean what is this, why have been put up a hallmark in things like these, who defines it? What is goodness, whats loyalty? Not that i would want people to harm each other, i wish everyone was more understanding, more compassionate and more themselves, with joy, with exuberance in their thoughts, without the pride of perseverance... I really wish things, the definitions didn't exist anymore, there was this mild mellow feeling of happiness, feeling of joy in others happiness and the "willingness" to live, to love and to learn existed. Something thats s much lacking in this life, amongst people. I mean they talk so much about "bringing in good" and are so adamant about what they think is "right", how can those two things go together, if you are adamant, that is the first sign to say that you are not willing to understand, you are not willing to finish a chapter and move further, you are not willing to learn.

I know i am just rambling, been a long day, long night and some random snippets of thoughts that just don't correlate or mix very well with the other "longness" that exists in my life.

Whatever

snap...

2011-03-07T22:33:00.000-08:00

How does it actually feel, to snap out of a dream, not the silent, kind, whispering wake-up, but as though you were tied to a dream by a silk thread and it just snaps, without pain, without stretch, just like that. It is not the slow, don't-hurt-me feeling, or that throbbing, itching pain in some part of your unconscious mind, it is just like another step, as though you just walk out of the door, but the thought you had in mind still lingers there, like a wisdom. It feels like you still have that left shoe in your hand, and the right shoe laces are all over the floor, you need to tie them, but then you realize that you don't have to tie them because you are in a different place now, where shoes don't exist, they have no meanings, the laces are still untied and all-over-the-place, but you don't trip on them because that just does not happen anymore, no one trips, the idea-of-tripping over your own laces doesn't exist, tripping doesn't exist!

This morning i woke up, no, i snapped out of my dream, and i was still holding the pen that i was holding in my dream, just that i couldn't see it anymore, but it still lingered, around me, like some kind of smell. I wonder how difficult it is to ignore sometime, and if you are really doing it, it would be the biggest gesture of recognition that you can shower upon anyone. If you feel that you should ignore someone, you are acknowledging the fact that the person exists so intense and strong that you HAVE to ignore. But the point is, how intense is it? How intense is anything in life, or is there? How do we measure the intensity, by the pain it creates at a certain moment, by the scar it leaves behind, or by the time that it lingers? Are all these measurements connected or do they exist within each other?

Well, the thoughts stay here, by my bed, till i wake up tomorrow and nurse them again...

The ones who trek...

2011-03-05T17:33:00.000-08:00

In my years of trekking, though the mountains, i have kind of made a collage of all kinds of people ho trek, and though not applicable always, these people can actually be generalized in certain ways. Though, now trekking is more like a fashion- reaching a certain place and then ticking it off the mark to say that you have reach a certain base camp, or lake or pass or whatever... but during these years i have observed one common trait in those people- they are the people who admire majestic views. Not that it has to be a good trait, but it definitely is something- to understand that the Himalayas actually make you bow down, because they are just there, so big, so majestic! It is not even a defeated pride, or some kind of new "glamour" humility that people feel, but it is that quiet acknowledgement and respect that comes, even if it never existed,the mountains bring it out. So, after a trek, whether people realize it or not, there is something different in them, the stress, the work and the mountains brought that "ability to bow down in respect" for them.

I realized i like to trek alone, i like to travel alone because it gives me that space, the time and breath to actually see things. I feel more observant, more silent, more resilient towards things than when i am with somebody else. When i am by myself, i feel like i learn more, things and universe as whole. I understand my fears and my loneliness better- not necessarily a fun way of learning things, but then it sure is a WAY, the right approach, cutting deep down, into the bones telling me how fragile i am, what scares, what haunts me and how afraid i am sometimes. I think i have learnt to forgive more after i started traveling and trekking on my own. The small mistakes that i picked up for myself, on others- its not really worth it. I used to be proud of myself, but i guess with the eventual learning i got by being with myself i have started taking pride in what i do, and the whole idea of "my" action is blurring out, as though the smoke in a distance that just frizzles out, existing but non-existant. More than anything, i feel like i have learnt to forgive myself and moved on. That was the biggest step- berating myself for things, blaming others for situations and circumstances that were painful was definitely a wrong thing, and most importantly i was wronging myself. Self pity? well, maybe, kind of.

The biggest learning step was the Kanchanjunga trek, it was the point where i understood the value of love, how much i was loved, by many people in my lives. The value of those quiet understanding of friends, family and R. How much i took for granted- family wise, i realized how hard it would be for my parents to see their daughter just leave for the wild, on her own, without information or anything. They still let me go, i know they wished i didn't, by no means i was helping them, but they understood i had to do it for myself, and they respected it. Friends, who were there for me all the time, through the thick and then thin, how we stuck by each other in the moments of anger and frustration, no matter how much we rubbed on the wrong side, we were always there. I guess i have just been very lucky when it comes to friends, and maybe thats why i take this whole idea for granted- but they are all beautiful, and i suddenly realized in that trek that how lucky i had always been, without really realizing it. Then, R, i have no words to explain what i felt for him. Though i will never tell him what i feel for him, and things have changed a lot in the last few months, but i feel blessed to have someone like him in my life. He has been like a soulmate, a silent quiet shadow who is there, everytime and it was during that trek i realized how much i missed that shadow. I always wanted him to define our relationship, it was more than friendship, in fact more than love itself. It was that quiet nod of acceptance in each other's lives, something we both knew existed but never had to give words to it. How wrong was i to have wanted him to explain our relationship. How much i took all of that for granted! I know it is okay, he understands it all, but i knew that day when i was in Ghunsa that i was a better person, only because of him. He was the one who made me more attached, more compassionate and more humane!

So, you see, people who trek are not the ones who are "cool" or "hip" or "nature lover", they are more like lost souls who find their ways in the wildness and learn to reshape themselves, hopefully for the better. It is the lone trekkers who find that time to sit back and thank for the lives and the people they have, to be grateful for all the joy, happiness and love that has been bestowed upon them. The idea of "worthiness" blurs out because it is the time to rejoice at life, a time to say that silent prayer to the soul which has been quenched finally under those majestic mountains, a soul which freshens, enlivens and thrives there!

The ones who are interested in Development

2011-03-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

For many years, i have been hanging out with people who have this innate desire to understand the issues of development and how it really works. Many of them, put themselves in places, uncomfortable and difficult and learn it the hard-pure way. Some try to learn it in books, look at the poor starving children and feel the desire. Not trying to berate anyone here, but it feels that all these people have something in common- something, like, they want to do.

First, they are the people who are not afraid to be passionate about something, reveal it openly, and stand up when someone else makes a derogatory remark about what they feel. I feel it so true, many people have these dark stories to reveal, but the ones who are interested in development issues DO have some dark stories to reveal, and they usually don't say it not because they are ashamed, because they don't feel like opening themselves all the time.

They are people who don't take radical stands in life, they don't think in terms of pure maximization and cost-benefit, though they value these ideas as well. It is strange that people who take the stance where they "hate" the idea of economics are not that into development. They don't think of lifting up the disadvantaged, they think that pulling down the advantaged will ultimately solve all world's problems! The ones in development usually take the middle way, understanding the aesthetic values, the materialistic values because they think that they can get something out of each knowledge and then move ahead with it.

The ones in development are interested in Philosophy, not as a mere running away tool, rather more of a mean that can help them, keep them standing through the ways of life. One who is interested in development looks at philosophy as a curious child, trying to see what it is like, feel it and then decide whether it is important or not. The one in development does not sneer at philosophy or cling to it as the saviour, its deeper, greater than that- its curiosity, love of knowledge and learning. It is a mean of happiness, just like development is.

Development is a weird world by itself. With its ups and downs, it can be seen that it is usually the ones who have a neutral feeling, towards life and people who get into it. They like to look at constellations, insects and any other plant, seed, twig that can create an image that they can learn from. They usually don't care much about how much they earn or benefit, they usually like to take pride in their work, are keen researchers and usually plan things out without too much exertion in planning.

Most important point, People who are into development are those who believe in women power and stand for it, without claiming how "great" they are!

streaming

2009-08-03T00:17:00.000-07:00

At times it is so very tiring to work, and then a bit of "some long forgotten lines" appear infront of your eyes and you realize that many things have been lost. You just sink in thoughts. A forgotten face appears, the face of someone who mattered like "hell"; and then you relate the difference.

It takes a big heart, soaked pillows to be able to say "i shall let go", but then again, you just cannot. You see that rust in your heart, clean it up with a nice scrubber, paint it fresh and say i let go... and then suddenly the paint peels off. It is all shabby, torn and rusty again. Sometimes, you just cannot help being yourself, being the weak, fragile, dependent one. And you squirm beneath all those smiles and jokes, the painted face hides away the tears, but that small pain remains between your lips. Then you bite it off, fight back the tears and swallow the sigh. You are ready for another joke, another prank, another fun.

With every "fight back with yourself, your meek heart", you keep repeating, assuring that this pain will fade away and you shall be able to "let go", but then again it stands there on your pillow, laughing mercilessly at your "not good enough determination".

You want it so bad. What? The situation to be in control. Again the face of someone appears, someone who patronized you, carried you in his arms when you were a kid. Someone who said the destination was nearby when you were tired, someone to held you, made sure you didn't go hungry in the long journey. Someone who even stooped down so that you could giggle and climb his shoulders. You are sad again... you've lost so many things in teh past, you just let those moments slip between your fingers. You never let him know what he was to you, and suddenly he is gone; you cant say you are sorry that you never "bothered", you cannot say thankyou for being "a part of my life", you cannot even say "i am proud to have been a part of you". You just type on the blog and fight back tears!

And then you promise again-- here onwards, i shall not let teh moments pass by, i shall cherish and live completely; another promise to be forgotten in the busy schedule of life. Another part of life lost in the money making racket!

You decide and then suddenly you are scared that you decided. You are scared to hurt; so you continue scarring yourself all the time; repenting, paying back, and suddenly you realize that you have so much to take- again you are scared to ask for what you have to get! You are scared to give lest you have given just too much. You start trading relations, give and take. You lost the trust, you want everything to be balanced.

You visualise someone who had always given you; without ever getting anything in return. Now you feel guilty to have never given. You want to GIVE now, without being paid back. You look for something that you can give, but just realize these are nothing of your own; they have all been given to you by someone or the other! How much have you taken??? O Lord, save me! You beg, unable to give, incapable of taking-- you are lost in coma, paralysed; and then you live in anaesthesia for longer and longer...

my purple tree!!!

2009-07-15T05:30:00.000-07:00

School is fun, especially when one doesn't need to open the books or write long answers. All that one needs to do is pull out some crayons and draw. I loved the class, arts is what they call it and i proudly used to say my favrouite subject :Arts.

When the first time i drew a few petals and a flower pot, which looked the messiest drawing one would ever see, my mom thought I was a born artist. The uneven petals, rose, pansy, poppy and a few dried crumpled leaves made my mom proud of me. I knew it in my bones that one day i would become a great artist, in fact i already was one; at least for my mom. In exchange of my giant flower and thin stem that held the flower in the pot i got the box of crayons and a drawing copy.

I knew that my talent needed to be proved to the world, so i set out colouring my house. Starting with my notebook; then books and then to the window sill. Nobody could stop this budding talent in me and soon all the walls in my house started reflecting those colourful lines, which had absolutely no meaning. My talent surely would have reached the neighbors had my dad not stopped me.

"What is this", he nearly screamed, showing me the beautiful script on the wall of my parents bedroom. Though none of the letters were straight or even, they surely looked good because it was my colourful name. I was wondering if i should have darkened the lines when my dad hit me so hard that i felt i was hammered.

"These walls are not to be dirtied, you understand? If again i find anything scribbled around the house. I will break all your bones ", he shouted and left me alone. i just stood, wondering why and how could such beautiful colours dirty the house.

Then on, no matter how much i longed to write my name on the wall, i used my colours only on the drawing sheet.

A few days later, my dad took me out to the park, in every tree, there were names carved, sometimes just letters. I knew that these names were carved by the kids who were beaten up at home for dirtying the walls. "Who wrote these?" I asked my dad. "Some idiots, and now hop along and go home", my dad was neither interested on the tree, or me!

While i came back, it was dusk. The sultry day made the trees even better and-purple. The purplish black leaves looked beautiful and the big red ball called sun was hiding in a distance. What a sight to draw the next morning.

In the drawing class i was happy because i was going to make a landscape. Two hills with the top like the tip of a sword, the sun setting, throwing orange coloured light all around and that beautiful tree with purple leaves standing out with the gleam of reddish light at the backdrop.

Proudly, i showed my drawing to the teacher but instead of complimenting my talent, she slapped me. "Where the hell do you see a purple leaf"? "Don't you know that the sky is blue, not red"?

I tried to explain the teacher that sky was red and the leaves were purple last evening but as the tears welled up in my eyes, i lost my voice too. My humiliation did not end here, the devil-teacher showed the paper to the whole class and made sure that each student in the class jeered at me. Later when my father came to pick me up after school, my teacher made a point to explain him that his daughter has absolutely no common sense.

My father just looked at me and gave a deep sigh. i know he wished for a smart daughter who had a lot of intelligence but he had a senseless girl if front of him. Somewhere, i had insulted him, his blood. Controlling my tears all along the way, i broke down as soon as i reached home. A born-artist died before she could show her talent to the world.

Many times after this incident, our devil-teacher asked us to be creative. "Arts is about creativity, imagination and ideas. Make something on your own", he would tell the whole class. I never made anything on my own again because i knew creativity meant stupidity and senselessness. Making something on my own would mean a slap and humiliation. Imagination would result to disgracing my father. I struck to the simple formula-sky is blue and leaves are green. For years i wondered if our devil-teacher had asked us to be creative only so that he would have that golden opportunity to beat us up.

During my drawing class, I learnt the simple rule be creative and:

- Sky is blue.

- Leaves are green.

- Sun is yellow or orange.

- Stars have five or six sides, neither less nor more and

- Any house should have a fence with a gate.

The only problem no was: blue and green crayons finished off fast.

Moment

2009-04-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

Am a lil sad, somewhat lonely and quite lost at the moment: yet it feels nice to be above that, living the moment.

I like to trek... do u?

2009-02-04T06:37:00.000-08:00

This is something i have been wanting to write since a long long time...

Apologies to all the ones who feel i have offended their feelings or moral thoughts....

Being a trekker i have realized all the ppl that come to Nepal to reach the mountains or nearer to the himalayas have been acting in a funny (my definition) way. I mean why the hell do you need to distribute the poor Nepalese kids living in the Himalayas some sweets and pencils? Just so that you can cleanse your conscience and feel great about doing some great act of humanity. Ever thought what that kid would do with that pencil when there are no schools around? play with it, scribble something on someone's wall and then throw it way... it wouldnt do any good, but does anyone realize what bad it is doing?

Nepalese are poor, yes and most nepalese survive in about 2 dollars a month (USD)... Yes, it is very good to see the English speaking foreigners in Nepal, talking to the kids, kuchipooing them, but many dont realize that they are psychologically making the beggars out of the poor nepalese kids. Please... Stop it.

If there is something that anyone feels like doing, sponsor a kid for one year education... that would cost about 100 dollars (the money spent on chocolate bars and beer during half of the trek)... or sponsor a kid to a school in the city... that would also be much less than the luxury expenses... but please please, dont gloat over the idea that there are a bunch of kids with running nose and bare-foot, wide opwn palms for you to drop a candy or a pencil in them.

What is worse about trekking? I will tell you... its nice to see the pictures, the scenes and all that... but many of us dont know the real picture... why would we? We need to trek, make the best out of those 10 days... we can always pick up a trekking agency in Kathmandu and then everything will be done for us... even we can be ported if we get tired in the mid-way. What fun!! So, what do we do... pay about 200 dollars to the trekking agency and we are free for the week. Out food/staying/walking/sleeping, everything is looked after and we have a great time. Do we realize that the porters who carry our baggages and all our load, (right from our tent, dining table, food, stove and sometimes, even US) are being paid about 3 dollars a day, without any benefits, no shoes, or jackets... and in the end, when we give a tip of about 20 dollars to the trekking guide, we feel all our sins are cleansed coz we have helped a troubled man.

How many of us know that all the porters who carry our loads during trek have no medical or health benefits. That means if they fall sick in the mean time, there will be no one to take care of them and they will have to find help for themselves or just rot in the way. While we have nice cozy tents and warm beds to sleep at night prepared by the same workers, they have to find caves and sheds in the route to sleep and have to feed themselves some stew or boil something so that they cane save that 3 dollars a day to help maintain their family.

Tourism brings about a huge economy in Nepal each year, but every year i go trekking, i find the same porters, living the same misery while the trekking agency owners have a new car every year! Hilarious!!!

The prayer flags while sun sets down for the day!

2008-12-13T07:09:00.000-08:00

2008-12-13T06:40:00.000-08:00

Back from Langtang Valley Trek

2008-11-17T06:46:00.001-08:00

Rest pics ... to be contd.

PS. the trek: 9th nov to 15th nov.

Koshi Dam- contd (from another side of the coin)

2008-09-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

As per my previous post, i explained the political situation and conditions that swept away many lives in nepal and india.

Now let us see what really happened as the main "cause" of the disaster.

Known as the Himalayan Kingdom (though we dont have a king anymore), Nepal depends on this geography for things like luring tourists, freshwater, herbs, medicines etc. Although Nepal does not emit much of green house gas as compared to developed and industrialized economies, it has been facing several consequences of climate changes. Exploitation of natural resources associated with growing population has led to increasing pollution, declining water quality, land degradation and other environmental problems. Recently there have been many cases of lake bursts in the country. Investigations have reported that as a consequence of melting glaciers, many lakes have grown SIX folds.

Between 2000 and 2005 AD, more than 1314 people have died of various landslides and floods across the country. Hundreds have been misplaced. The UN environment program (UNEP) warned five years ago that 20 big glacial lakes in the country are at risk of glacial floods which would be hazardous to the society in grave ways.

So, if we see, this global warming problem was the root, exacerbated by the dirty politics of two countries and made thousands of lives miserable.

Want to know the situation.

2008-09-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

First the award that has been moving around. Starry awarded me "Honest blogger", Thankyou Thankyou. Well, as per the rule, i will award seven bloggers for their honesty and frequent interesting post.

These are the rules:
1. The winner can put the logo on their blog
2. Link the person you received your award from
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.
4. Put links of those blogs on yours.
5. Leave a message on the blogs you’ve nominated.

Though i havent been following blogville much these days (owing to my laziness, lack of time or whatever...), these are a few blogs that i have always found honest, interesting and arresting.

1. Seriously frivolous (seems like this blog has been stopped for quite sometime now)
2. Yashita (whatever is written, good or bad, its true)
3. Neers (i think she is beyond comparision)
4. Keshi (a blog which would be honest to core... whatever is in the heart, is in the blog)
5. Ekta (interesting ups and downs, honest and with sense of humour)
6. Scribblez (quite infrequent, honesty which makes one really "think")
7. Amrith (a very interesting blog. so honest that it reveals dark side which many of us hide)

For those who i havent mentioned here doesnot mean that you are not interesting or honest... hehe... You are all "Great"

Well, getting back to the post, Cuckoo asked me to give my views on the breakdown of Koshi river Dam, which swept away many villages and lives in Nepal and also in India. Before i write, please bear in mind that i am not here to bash any indian sentiment or nepalese. I am not here to blame any nation, because i dont think that any country is bad as a whole (there can be a few blemishes though). Since most of the blogs i visit (almost all of them) are indians, so my sincere apology if i seem to be insulting your sentiments.

First, let us begin with what happened and how did it start.

The problem with Koshi was that the indian supervisors have requested the indian government to renovate the Dam as it was getting weaker each day, no result and as everyone knows, Nepalese government is still in the power snatching business and the politicians have absolutely no time to address the social problems (nothing new?).

Koshi Dam was built by the Indian aid about 55 years ago (approx), with indian finance, indian construction workers and rest of manpower.

Well, looking at the past, this Dam was constructed in such a way that almost every year, Nepal used to be flooded during monsoon and India could use the river water for irrigation (some political selfishness years ago maybe?). It was considered by many Nepalese that Indian government, 55 years ago, while providing the aid of building the Dam was shrewd enough to make sure that whatever difficulties it caused would be suffered by nepalese and whatever benefit would be shared by India. But the nepalese government never questioned this years old policy (maybe if they had confornted the Indian government, the present govt of india would have considered and addressed the problem in nepal).

The same goes with the Mahakali river as well... This river situated in the western nepal acts as the border between Nepal and India. Now after some years, this river belongs to India (it is said that the PM of nepal once sold it to india... well, no one really knows the truth). The Dam in Mahakali is also constructed in such a way that Nepal suffers flood each year and India uses the river for irrigation.

Nepalese believe that Matrika Prasad Koirala (who surrendered the Koshi dam to India without much thought) and Girija Prasad Koirala (who sold the Mahakali to India) have played dirty politics with the nepalese mass and earned their profit (getting favors from India or filling their pockets, whatever).

Now the point is, why is it that Nepalese dont really confront Indian government...?

Reason: More than 60 percent of construction in Nepal has been made by the aid of Indian government, be it highway, other roads, bridges, dams, some schools, few hospitals etc. Now a country like India, which has helped Nepal time and again (helping the Maoists by giving them shelter, or helping the nepalese students by providing scholarships, helping Nepal by giving many financial aids for development etc.) The list is too long to finish...

Can a government of a country like Nepal confront on small things with the government of a country like India (on whom we literally survive for everything). It is okay if India takes a few advantages after giving so much of aid. No wonder nepalese have been quiet about the Indian and Chinease encroachment. When i was a kid, i studied that nepal has an area of 147181 sq km. but now it is less than 142000 sq km. Where did all that land go? The chinease put their soldiers in Nepalese soil saying that they need to protect themselves from indians and indians put up their army camps in nepalese soil saying they need security from chinease.

The nepal mass and government is like a person hanging on a rope because they are afraid to jump on water and swim. Of course, this rope will give blisters and pain at times, either we should be able to stop grumbling or take a decision to jump down.

Now, for all the Indian bloggers who have felt insulted by whatever i have written, let me explain something. I am not saying a particular country is good or bad. I am also not saying that India has taken advantage of nepalese penury. Absolutely not. Remember when India was ruled by the british, during that time, nepal was also ruled by the Rana Regime (this rule was thrown away by the nepalese in Janaandolan 1 and people established democracy in Nepal) and many Nepalese PMs during that time helped the British regime by providing nepalese soldiers to fight against Indians. Now, not that Nepalese hate indians or Indians hate nepalese... everything that happens seemed correct at that moment and people take actions for their benefit, for what they think is right, or because of their ignorance.

Well, many of the Nepalese think that this disaster was bound to happen as a law of nature. Nevertheless, the Indian government has made a deal with nepal about constructing a high-dam, which will surely make change in the situation and benefit both countries equally.

Back after some self-searching

2008-09-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

I am back to civilization after 12 days. Went to Vipassana meditation centre. here is the link

Good experience and since this was my second time, no dinner :(. i might have lost some weight...
Okay now, serious.

I have been contemplating during my rest time in the meditation centre (we are not allowed to speak or communicate with anyone, so all you have is, TIME FOR YOURSELF".

Basically Vipassana is Vi(special) and Passana(to look), so when you add up, it is to look in a special way.

This method was found by Gautama, the buddha 2500 years ago. The enlightened one did a lot many meditations in various other ways, but realized that it was not enough to purify the mind completely. The only way was Vipassana that could take anyone to Nibbana (Nirvana).

Well, i am not here to explain the method or procedure or Nirvana.

Vipassana, is the practical aspects of whatever is written in Ved, Upanishads, Geeta. Those who have read any one these scriptures would know that i am talking about "detachment", morality, compassion and taking up responsibility and the right action etc.

A question to all of you "How much do you think you know yourself"?

I will be back with more about this later.

Just a glimpse!

2008-06-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

Kantipur news for today.

A plague has infected the total population of Langtang village in Rasuwa district.

Some pics for langtang: Click here

Info about langtang for trekkers: Click here

Symptoms: cold limbs, chest pain, vomitting and shivers.

Situation: There is a small heath post in the village, and the health officer (assistant) is nowhere to be found. He disappeared 3 months ago. The only available medicine "cetamol" has depleted.

Health situation...???

no topic

2008-06-30T01:04:00.000-07:00

It was midnight, dark and raining.

She filled with anger and walking ahead, ...he following her to make sure she was safe home.

With all the wrath, she slapped him... once twice thrice... a hundred time, till his mouth bled and his cheeks were swollen.

Her hand too tired, she stopped.

She looked at him and said "I am sorry, but don't do this to me again".

He stared at her... "No baby, i won't do it again", he murmured.

She hugged him and he held her tight for a while.

All the grudges vanished, she loved him just like she loved him the very first time she started loving him... purely, unbiased. Now she loves him, but every time she thinks of the night, she feels a whip lashing her back; a whip for each slap.

"Relationships are wierd"

2008-06-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

Frozen water (ice) with water flowing below...

contd...

2008-06-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Annapurna South

Annapurna I against the morning sun.

More pics.. of the route

2008-06-21T12:08:00.001-07:00

Rest pics to be continued...

Annapurna Base Camp Trek

2008-06-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

Some more pics!.... continue

2007-12-06T00:50:00.000-08:00

The beautiful Ama Dablam Mountain (Mother and her Amulet)!

Thamserkhu Mountain and its shadow against the morning sun (from my window!)

Kantega Mountain... On the left of Thamserku!

Me with The Lhotse face (right of Mt Everest) and Amadablam at the backdrop!

Okay! Rest pics later !!!

Back with some Pictures- The Everest Base Camp Route

2007-12-01T05:15:00.000-08:00

P.S.: the upload is bad at the moment.... rest of the pics later!

adios

2007-04-12T08:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, i think i had enough of everything and can't continue (rather don't want to continue with blogging anymore). Have a nice time and Keep Rocking!

Social Obligation sucks!

2007-03-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

How does it feel when you have to tear away the best part of your being for the sake of fucking social obligation? Angry? Frustrated? Sad?... incomplete????

Do you really want?

2007-03-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

So many times we ish we get something... few things, we just desperately need in our lives. Some of them just for mere fun and few for the want to survive in a different way. There are many many things i have wanted, and i firmly believe if you want something from the very core of your being, you get it... irrespective of the possibility of gaining...

When i was a kid, i wanted a particular pair of sneakers, but i did not get them coz they were a bit big for me then, after sometime when i thought i just couldn't live without those sneakers, i somehow coaxed my parents to get it for me... and lo! i had them with me... now i could wear them whenever i felt like, they were mine. It was after a single wear that i realized i needed them no more. I never really needed them, it was just a whim that passed away!

Well, that was childhood stuff, slowly while growing up, i thought i needed a few things. But i guess i was too naive to differentiate between "need" and "want". Whatever i wanted desperately was the need for the moment. But, as soon as or after sometime, i would realize that it was not need anymore. I would shrugg it off saying its a part of life, i was growing, i was learning... such a stubborn coochipoo child! Shit!!!

Then, i grew... just nothing else grew with me... i was still the same old adamant creature who would "need" something desperately and call it the grace of nature or my luck, i always got it sooner or later. Seemed like i was experimenting with my luck... and i thought i was the winner! Wrong me!

Suddenly i look around, all my friends were talking about love, life, commitment blah blah... wow! they talked of big things, things that i never really understood... hmmm, and i felt "o' shit, i am still not out of my cradle"... now i wanted to be "grown up woman who would talk about BIG things in life". I thought i was pretty indifferent to things and people around me. There was hardly anyone/any being that could affect me. Sometimes i used to look up to the heavens and scream "WAS I ABNORMAL"? Why couldn't i get the basic feelings? Was i so insensitive? Had i no emotions in me?... Sometimes i even wished for someone/something that could affect me to the core! Isn't there anyone/anything reasonable that can make me cry? Why do i cry while reading books and watching movies? Why don't the real beings affect me?

One fine day God/Nature heard me and voila... i got what i wanted. The sensitive me, i was affected, affected so bad that it was getting difficult to handle! This is what i wanted, but yet i couldn't take it anymore. I did not want to be so very sensitive. A small flick, and my being starts burning, flaring with rage, i get smashed under a teeny meeny bopper, i feel so tiny infront of the tiniest thing on earth. That time, i wish things were different!

Well, we learn and we grow, but sometimes the learning is so damn tough that i doubt if i want to grow learning things that kill me inside. I am still trying to get the grip... over things, situations and incidents, its just that this process is taking away all my energy... ahh!!!

There might be many things that we wished, got and then regretted wishing it.... is there anything as such with you?

Ant & Grasshopper

2007-02-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

OLD VERSION.....
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving and calls for a
Nepal Bandh to protest this 'Soshan'.

Kantipur(Nepal's leading media house), Image and Nepal 1(other two supposedly leading ones) show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The nation is stunned by the
sharp contrast.

How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

The Civil Society steps in and stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house and a concerned group goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.

Amnesty International and Ban ki Moon, the eighth Secretary General of the UN, criticizes the Nepali Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).

Immediately laws are tabled to prevent Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by all TV and media.

Everyone hails it as "a triumph of justice and revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden".
Ban ki Moon invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later...
The ant having lost everything has since migrated to the US in despair (people are moving out)
As for the grasshopper,
well thousands of grasshoppers continue to die of starvation…

P.S.: Riots, protests and strikes are the most common events in Nepal. We have at least 2 protests and strikes every week and the nation (or Capital) comes to halt... no business, no work. And most of these strikes are illogical and unnecessary! Ant and grasshopper story (the modern one) is repeating itself!

Sometimes....

2007-02-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life can be so dull, sad and depressed that you don't feel like living anymore. WTH... Thought things were changing... still thinking, just that the "change" did not come in from anywhere! F***

no title

2007-01-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

Things are finally trying to fall back to place.... trying???? guess so.

Ten things that define me??

2007-01-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

It is so very difficult for me to tell about myself... anyways, i shall give it a try...

1. Moody brat: My mood changes in split seconds and sometimes i myself dont realize on which swing i am in. Usually i am moody only with the closest ones or whoever i think "mine".

2. My freaky dressup: I have to confess, i have no sense of dressing... i cant dress up and go to the party. I even went to my frens marriage party in jeans (that too faded, and torn somewhere, well thats fashion for me). When it comes to deck up and get ready for something, i always panic. Few ppl also call me hermit, in the sense, i am like those "no sense of dress up people".

3. Love: It has always been "the quest for completion". No crap, well, i have always been a great lover of water!

4. Pseudonames: I love pseudonames... and i have a pseudoname for almost everyone i jot in my journals... maybe that sounds silly... my way of hiding my secrets *wink*... sometimes when i read my old stories, i myself am lost... i dont know who i wrote things about. I get completely messed up.

5. I cannot live without moisturizer (be it any month of the year.. summer or winter). My skin peels off like snake sheds its skin (lol... that was an exaggeration)...

6. I am the messiest brat you will find around. My room is more o less a junk yard, sometimes i myself lose my way to the door. My room is another platform for "lost and found"... coz i keep losing things and finding them when i dont need anymore... lol...

7. Frens say i am the most perverted creature around, but all my family members consider me a real sober and goody-goody person... nah... i am not pretending anything, just about "theory of relativity"... haha!

8. I cant get up in the morn... even if i would die... but now a days i go for a morning walk... guess the time.. yes you are right!! The walk starts after 8:30 am.... hahaha!!!

9. Okay, now the disgusting part... i dont brush my hair... actually i was planning to make those untidy locks and move around like a junkie... but poor me... "not brushing for a month" still didnot make any difference to my hair... whaaahh whaaah.

10. I hardly define myself because all of me has been constantly changing... i have done things, wanted things which i thought i never wanted... i have at times surprised myself... sometimes i get freaked by my own weirdness... so i guess whatever is written here might change anytime... anyways, at present, this is it i guess... phew!!!

P.S.: thanks starry... too much of thinking did make me realize few things about myself...

Comparing life... oneself...

2006-12-14T08:08:00.000-08:00

Many of us like to see how we are in the eyes of nature, we want to know how we look like, our shades, our attitude and character (sincere apologies if i am wrong here). We have that certain affinity for something or the other. Some part of nature resembles us too well... rather we blend in something so well that it completely describes us.

Now the thing is, what resembles us... how we look at ourselves in terms of nature... How do we think we are, how do we compare our lives... i know many of us think we are different, but anyways, how can we be different from nature??? We are always the same, our individuality would never change even when the trees shed their leaves in autumn, its just the leaves that move away, the core, nature, being of the tree would remain intact till its alive or even after that.

I have always had this close knitted relationship with water... sometimes i compared myself with it, sometimes i felt cozy and comfy when i looked at silent waters... or even the high current rivers!! The way they sparkle in the sun, the way they give that glow, the way they move and the way they blend each of its layers... shapeless, timeless, free and unbound water... i know i know i cannot compare myself with all these great beauties or qualities, but i have that certain affinity/attraction/kinship (or whatever you may call it) with water. I don't know why, how and since when... it has been there all the while.

Is there anything that you feel similar with?? fire, trees, sky, mountains, soil, sand, rain... anything that holds nature in itself??? i would like to know... what is it about that fire/trees/sky.... that makes you so attracted to it??? Lets Play!!! Lest see how close we feel to nature... lets know ourselves in the terms of nature!!! (Again my sincere apologies if these terms have offended anyone...)

Fluid & Infinite

2006-12-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

For sometime when we have no one to talk to, we pen down thought...ahhh... technology, rather we hit the keys and there the e-media just gobbles up whatever we try to explain...

These days, i have been more on the "talking" part...looks like i am addicted to "talks". I can go endlessly without any particular subject and can blabber any amount of nonsense. The best part is, i dont have to tire my fingers, i dont get tired speaking and i hope others dont get tired listening to me.

Have any one felt the talk going on smooth, endlessly for hours where you talk so much, about everything that it feels nothing. After 5-6-7-8 hours you feel as though the talk wasn't just enough but when you look back, you havent spoken of anything at all. Its all nothing- No reason, no logic, no subject matter. You have just been talking, sharing, understanding and enjoying each others company without the slightest hint.

How would you define such fluid conversation, as though its all just a moment which passed away in a snap. It feels as though those useless matters you blabbered about were infinite and you almost created a universe for yourself in those few hours. It moves, talk flows and you just let it move without bothering about your time or any other business.

Maybe thats what i think is the beauty of water. It flows, it has no particular shape, it defines itself as it moves and it is INFINITE. Even a drop would just make the best possible shape for itself, it would reflect all colors in the universe and sparkle like a gem. Sometimes when we talk, we reflect ourselves, all colors, all shades and all moods... swings...

If analysed, the hours of talk didnot bring any result, but what result do we want anyways?? how would we define "result"... okay i am getting a bit incohherent, hmmm... fluid and infinite it is! a bliss!!!

Euphoria

2006-11-10T08:53:00.000-08:00

Somewhere from my fantasy or the dream i lived?

he lied beside me...
uncurled eyelashes, closed, serene...
dreams undreamt, coming true...
wishes to enchant my senses
my heart melting

i longed for him,
yet he was there, covered with social obligations,
how i longed to touch him, feel him
ecstasy and love, mixed in one
intermingled thoughts

i stared at him by the moonlight
his lovely face, his expressions
this idol beside me,
all i could do was worship him, love him
he could never be mine

what was left between us?
nothing, just the silly void
i could have woke him up and asked to stay back
he slept with his peaceful dream,
i lay awake... dreaming of him.

hmmm.... a bit drunk... me, the silly character!

weirdo???

2006-11-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

Seems like all of us have a tinge of madness in ourselves... we are a bit weird, a bit silly, slightly mad and yes sometimes a bit of idiot as well. Now the question is: is this really weirdness? How do we define craziness... someone is one hell of lunatic, why? Just coz he/she does not act as per the norms of the society? Someone would sit on the dining table and polish shoes-- very crazy. Someone would fall in love with a person who is completely out of question-- mad!

Society dictates us, we only follow and the person who has no regard for the social manners/living/style, is mad. How could xyz go to a formal dinner party in shorts? How could we think of wearing sunglasses while it rained-- are we mad?

The incapability to sense, feel, analyse and realize would be called "mentally chanllenged" or not-very-humane, but the way of living each moment the way one feels like-- would that be called eccentricity? In the social world and the individual life--- i wonder who do we feed... ???

2006-10-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

I was trying to get a proper title and make this post look "good", but i guess it remains nameless.

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Sometimes the best things look so wrong to you, you know you have had the best time, the best person, the best feelings but still, there is something wrong in it... what is it, you can't define! Sometimes you try to hold on to the moments which are just too precious to let go, yet you know you have been so very wrong for trying to hold something that would not be "appreciated". Is this fear? Is this the way we have been programmed?

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Whatever it is, it is so very difficult to let go things you actually love.... hmmmm....

Pain attracts...

2006-10-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

Would not say i am lonely or isolated... infact life is more of "social functions" and filled with social-obligations (unnecessary and at times real pain)... still how lonely can you feel in a gathering??

This feeling crept after so long... i felt so alone... and what can be a bigger pass-time?? ofcourse, the same old... creating moments of pain... sometimes i think i am weird and a bit silly... i create moments of pain (anyone would run away, but yes, i hug those self-created-invented moments of tears!).

Surprised?

Well, i think this happens with a lot many of us. Things that never occurred in the past, things that are least likely to happen in future, i think of those and shed tears! Any small incident of past which might be a trifle... now my imagination soars and by the time i am finished with my "past-story" that never happened, i have already soaked my pillow!

Same with teh future... things that would never ever happen to me... i would start "making them happen" (of course in my mind) and then again cry buckets!

Well, it is not only about pain, i even create moments of happiness... hmmm... but still, the frequency of painful moments is more than the moments of joy... why?

Back to life-- Yes guys, life's beautiful

2006-10-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

Trek was exhausting and wonderful... i should call it a combo of pain and bliss... anyways without much rant, i will get you on the pics first. I know guys, Mr Nokia didnot do much justice to the pics... but please bear with me.

The first start of walk... really hot and was quite a steep trek. On the way-"Nayapul-Sudame-Ulleri" I have become a red baked potato (or tomato?). Me in White shirt, G & R with me.

On our way - "Ghorepani-Deurali-Ghandruk". This was quite a downhill walk... lottsa ridges, hills, cliffs, and beautiful waterfalls.

Me with S & R.

It was early afternoon, pretty cold but as always i was suffering the heat... man! its hot when you walk for days non-stop.

This was early in the morn, at sunrise. That is the Dhaulagiri range (Himalayas) on top of our head. The color was golden and it looked AWESOME but as i said, the pics did no justice to the real beauty. Maybe at ard 5:00 am?? not really sure. Who bothers about time when everything is so beautiful. :)

Thats me in between R & G.

I know this pic looks a bit dull, but this was a perfect place to go. Poon Hill, about 3280 m altitude, could see Annapurna range, Dhaulagiri range and Fish Tail mountain on all sides. Lovely! R, S, me & G (from right)

BTW, its the Dhaulagiri and Annapurna range behind us... sorry guys, hope i get hold of better pics soon.

Okay guys, my favorite picture-- Me tying a prayer flag. Check the long thread i am tying, there are prayer flags tied to the thread. How wonderful it is to go there, feel the wind beat on your face like a hard hammer, shiver with cold and tie a prayer flag.

Starry, i hope you get your back fixed soon. KAP, stay happy and at peace. And all you guys, enjoy life... dun worry, the flag i tied has more than 20 prayer flags in it. So just stay happy... wishes for you are still reaching heaven, playing and making their ways along the himalayas and enjoying teh cool cool wind that blows from the north!

Seriously frivolous tagged me-- i have to give out six weird things about me... ahem... here i go:

1. Mind: I dont remember faces or names, but yes, i can remember phone numbers. So usually, i know the no but dunno whose it is. But guys, i was never good with maths!

2. Memory: Guess this relates to previous stuff, but i have bad temporary memory. I dont remember what happened to me hours/days back but yes, i will have a complete photographic MEMORY of stuffs that occured years back.

3. Heart: I cry for almost every emotional part in a movie, book, poem or play(there is hardly any book or movie where i havent shed drops from my lacrimal glands... humor is an exception case) but if the same pain i see in real life, i would never cry. Frens still wonder if i should be considered insensitive lout or a sensitive emotional darling... hehe :P

4. Obssession: I am obsessed with the idea of white socks. I never wear any other color and would like everyone around me wear clean WHITE socks.

5. Nature: One of my closest fren thinks i have a very soft heart and another closest fren calls me a rock-hearted character. To few i am the most reckless/careless/messy brat and some think i am the hi-fi queen of dicipline and organized person. Some consider me one hell of an isolated loner and some think i am a social butterfly. To some i am a chatterbox, while others think i never speak. Guess that explains... I show what i want to show, instead of what others want to see in me.

6. Weird: Wearing wrist-watched on the right hand, lefty ppl, grey hair men... i find them intriguing... tears attract me the most. I burn my diaries as soon as i finish one and get started with another.

7. Rules: i hardly abide by rules.... so i guess i would tag no one... hehe.... (thats coz, it seems like everyone has been already tagged).

backkkkkkkkk

2006-10-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

me back from the trek... will be right back with pictures and details! muaaahhhh!

Feels like a dream

2006-09-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

We (frens) went to Manakamana temple, where they say all your wishes will be granted-- I am not a religious person, nor do i believe in such fanaticism, but its a lovely place to visit (This was my third time) and well, it is quite far from the valley, have to cross passes and few hills before reaching there (don't worry, u dont need to walk, all you have to do is hold your stomach so that you dont puke while you are in the bus)... after the curvy roads, we reached there.

Its been raining quite a lot these days, thought it would rain today and was sure that all plans would be sacked, but we reached destiny in time. Had our lunch and sat down watching the river flow between two green-giants(hills of course). Now, that you have to cross about 7/8 hills to reach that temple from the main road, with the river in between, its not possible to do everything in a day... go guys, we have cable cars and that did make good use of technology... haha.... okay, jokes apart.

Everything was fit and fine, we also took a bus back home. The problem came rushing to us--- On our way (we hadn't even completed 1/4 th of the journey), all the vehicles plying on the roads were brought to stop. A lorry on its way in a hurry hit a child and her mother. The child died on the spot(May god give her peace) and the mother was brought to Kathmandu for treatment. All the locals from that place "Adamghat" started protesting against the driver and even threatened to burn him with his lorry. And then, everything stopped. The incident occured in the main highway from "Narayanghat" to "Kathmandu", which is supposed to be the busiest rroad day-and-night. Buses, cars, jeeps, trucks and lorries started accumulating in both ends and we had our chare of quite an adventure. I needed a shower!

So, we decided (actually it was me who forced everyone to walk) to walk so we set off. Guys, this is no joke, its a distance of 50 kms all along the topsy, turvy, curvy, hilly ways of Kathmandu. So we walked and walked and walked till we thought we cound walk no more. After about 2 hrs, we got ourselves infront of a hut... the lady there was so generous despite her poverty, she gave us a banana and a glass of milk to hog! We were starving, so that was indeed a treat! Again the journey started.... we walked and walked... darkness crept in... okay, so the road is something like--- we have a big giant hill on the right side and river Trishuli (which is responsible for a lot of drowing bodies and deaths) on the left.... once in a while, a truck comes to join the queue of accumulating vehicles.

It was completely dark, so we had this "mini-torch" the ones you get free in a lighter! SO we walked and walked.... at about 9:30 pm, we got a car who agreed to give us life for 100 bucks! What a joy!! We hopped inside and made our way to "Naubisey" (This place is quite near to Kathmandu and it takes only 45 minutes drive to reach the capital of Nepal.

There the driver shoved us out and we handed him cash with grateful eyes! What a relief!

Came out and again search for drivers-- cars-- lift! Fortunately got a bus and came to Kathmandu... reached here at 10:30. Reached home at 11:00 pm... took a long shower and now i am typing this.... I am so damn hungry an tired to the bones, i hope i dont sleep in the kitchen. Its already 12:20 am... so off i go to eat something.

P.S.: When i saw the lights in Kathmandu Valley from "Thankot" the gateway to the valley, i was so happy... i wanted to hug my place and rejoice... Maybe i realized what it was to COME BACK "HOME".... what a good feeling is the sense of security".

For now, i dont have the pics.... will upload when i get hold of them!... It feels like a dream when i think a few hours back, i was scared, lost, tired- trying to find my way among the hills of my nation.

"self pity"

2006-09-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

The word itself sometimes gives me chills-- self pity! Couple of days back i went to check one art exhibition. Pictures of people who were victimized due to different kind of wars were potrayed and even a few photographs were laid out. Sometimes, when i see such kind of pictures, people who have suffered heavily in the various power-game by the hi-fi people, i get those sensations in my bones. I dont know whether it is sympathy for the bleeding or hatred for the one who created it, maybe it is the feeling of pain and fear i get during those moments...

A child burnt to ashes, his photograph faded and blurred... was it my watery eyes that prevented me from taking a closer look or was it the shot down my spine??... few pictures looked so beautiful... painful... dreadful. Would the people curse those bombardings and wars to have destroyed their lives? What would thsoe people say? They didnot have time to pray, they had no time to think of their loved ones, maybe they died in a shock? Did they rest in peace or did they rest in pieces?

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I saw him staring at me, with those sharp eyes when i talked to him how i felt about terrorists! I know no one likes the idea of terror in the world... still why do we have terms like terror and dread, who wants to enjoy so much of pain? "You look so beautiful tonite", thats all he said when i almost cried while explaining those pictures and the art exhibition! Did he mean me or the feeling of hatred and pain i was burning with??

P.S.: He was back for a few days, now again he is gone!

Good part is that he left me with some journals filled with words, referred as poems... :P

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Sometimes you hardly remember the people you have missed all along, sometimes u just forget them and they vanish down the memory lane... still if you think about them, you simply think, not "miss". Sometimes i feel it silly and sometimes its just humane!

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I just hate those road-side romeos.... aggghhhh.... dont they have any better job than passing comments and whistling at girls? such #$%&#$%& !!! Maybe i was just too pissed, i went and said those two magical words to him #### off!!! and it felt heaven!!! Sometimes i think its good to give some piece of brain to others.

No Title

2006-09-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

Just wondering who creates those forwarded messages that keep buzzing in your inbox... who initiates those forwarded SMS... The one who does this, does for what??? He/she has extra time to create messages and then push them to thousands of people linked together via technology... maybe. I mean what is the whole sole essence?

2006-09-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

He sat there, talking to me about the worth of life, discrepancy and balance of feelings with some realism, I only listened; started at him all the while, listening to a few words and making my own stories within. He said he wanted to leave everything, go run away, join a monastery, feel free. He was talking about life and death, about stars and moon, about worth and triumph; I only stared… mesmerized, enchanted.

What is the difference between getting lost and being free? One is running away and other is staying aloof: the essence is the same isn't it? Yes, i know everyone would say "getting lost" is running away from truth, hiding, escaping blah blah... but it is again the same. If running away helps you, why not run away? I didnot say this to him, i only stared... we both were rocking in da same boat, swaying, vacillating in the storm of life.

He sat there sipping a cup of coffee, trying to balance his body, his mind, his thoughts. So many people pressurized him, made him an idol of expectations, considered him a perfect being, while he was sitting with me, uncomfortable, fighting his own senses and the "expectations". He almost seemed so weak, so distorted. He was talking to me, about the harships he went through, about the challenges he took up in life, about the passion he lost in the way to meet people's expectations. His words reached my ears but his mind was already wandering in the himalayas, carrying a prayer flag, with saffron wrapping his body.

I was not a counsellor but he was talking to me, opening his heart. I knew i could never help him out but i would listen, i would understand it better than anyone else; not because i was wise, because i felt the same, i dreamt the same. What is the point of giving lectures and advices when you dont even feel the pain. Any wise person, who never felt this way would understand? So, isn't it a wise decision to talk to someone who is as pathetic as you? Even if he/she cannot help you out, atleast you would share the mutual feeling, you would see the reflection in each other:: That would be companionship!

He kept talking, i was listening and i could see myself falling for this pathetic, shattered person! At last i just looked at him and said "It is difficult to survive when the whole world is conspiring against us". He just smiled, looked at me. I could already see his mind longing for the himalayas. I could see everyone criticizing his desicion. The collegues who envied him would laugh at his idea of leaving everything and settling with nothing for PEACE. His parents would be heartbroken, they would blackmail him to stay back. His friends would coax him, they would want one of their "most successful friend" to stay back so they wont have to pay for beer and drinks! The society would conspire against him, he would be shackled.

Some intelligent people would call him a coward who "ran away" from the battlefield of money and success. Few would laugh at his name. Some would be shocked to see such a successful person losing away. Did he want to be hermit?- no. He was just too tired, now he wanted to rest. He could not carry the burden anymore.

He looked beautiful, lovelier than anything else. He knew i supported his decision, i don't know why i did. Maybe that's what i would decide for myself later. Maybe it would be easy to see him go away than live with this misery.

He stood up "will you come and see me sometimes?", he asked... I looked at him longingly and said I WOULD. He became the same old child again, the same kid with whom i played see-saw with and fought for the scores during scrabble. He held my hand, whistled in low tunes and we walked down the lane. Was he feeling free or was he getting lost? Didnot matter-- Things don't matter much when the whole world is conspiring against you.

I came back home and slept. I knew i would be walking my ways to the himalayas with him the very next day. Did it matter? Maybe yes, maybe no!

P.S.: I guess i need a break...

Taggy Knocking on the blog's door-- Salute to Starry!

2006-09-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am pathetic with tags-- Confused as i am always, i don't know what exactly to say! Anyways, taking a deep breath, i go---

Which is the single best post you have read on any blog, post the link

It was a year back when i was randomly flipping through blogs. I came across a blog "A Boy Named Matt", and i think there was the best blog i ever read. It was titled "I am a boy who hid...". A very touching piece. Sorry, i dont have the link, but the bloggers id was www.aboynamedmatt.blogspot.com

Which is the best post you have written and which is the worst. explain why.

The very first blog i wrote in eclipsed was very close to my heart, not because i started blogging, but because it reflected what i really was and how i took my life.
Few blogs i have written with a rash reaction to people and surroundings-- i guess those were the worst. Let me not list them coz i am sure i have loads of them!

How about a place you have never been to, but would very much like to see.

There are a lot of places i want to be. For the moment, i want to reach the Tibetan Plateau, trekking all my way long the Himalayas. It would be fun, exhausting but above all it would be a bliss to walk through the purest snow to reach the peace-land! My second desire of Mt. Everest. Not to reach the top, just the base-camp!
P.S.: I hope to meet my first dream of peace-land by May 2007. Anyone joining me? Ahhh.... i see a few hands raising!

If you were a member of the opposite sex, what would you do differently.

I am very much glad to be me(as in female) and i have never thought about being a member of opp sex. Well, i dont really know, maybe i would write a book on "How to understand men" ... haha... :P

Do you remember a recuurent childhood dream or nightmare, tell us about it.

I did have quite a lot of repeating dreams. Some of them were so frequently coming up that they were more of a nightmare becoz of their frequency. Well, i had this dream of a small hut in a lonely place and in the dream i always wanted to reach there but never could. It was (i think) some childhood fantasy, i picked from some stories. It was a everyday dream for me once, but now it seems to have vanished down the memory lane!
Another feeling, dejavu i must say, was also kinda nightmare for me! I always felt something, someone else while i dragged my bag out. It doesnot happen now coz i dont have bunk beds or bags under my bed. While i was in school, all of us used to be excited for holidays. We would all pack our bags, stack them under our bunks and when it was the day to go home, we would sit on the bed, bend, and then drag our bags. I always felt something while doing it. I could see/feel myself as someone else and amazingly i could see myself wearing black shoes and pulling out a black bag. In that split second, i was a completely different person but as soon as that micro second got over, i remembered nothing... quite silly, isnt it?

Make me laugh or make me cry,put your words to use.

There were stories of childhood, pranks, fights, fun and games which still make my laugh at myself. But putting those incidents in words is completely not my cup of tea. I mean, its so difficult to pen down those moments-- :(
Sorry :P

Do you regret unfulfilled dreams, the inaccessible roads and the unchartedlands?

Yes, there were dreams-- childhood dreams, life dreams-- I always wanted to be a lawyer but i landed up with computers. I am not very interested in computers and tech, but thats okay-- NO REGRETS. Other parts as well-- there were roads which i ignored with heavy heart (longing to travel), there were people who i bid goodbye with tears in my eyes. There were moments which i wished i could undo and make everything fine. There are words which have hurt people and i was left crying for days with guilt. So many things, yet no regrets! I think i am this-- and this is how i should be. Whatever i chose or didnot choose, what i made of my life or what life made for me-- It was worth all the adventure and fun. The moments of pain and happiness were worth living! So, i would say-- NO REGRETS AT ALL.

What is a friend to you and what are you to a friend.

A fren is someone who would share silence with me and ditto with me. Words are not essential to understand each others pulses-- I think friendship is more than words!

T.S.Elliot measured his life with coffee spoons, how about you.

I would see my life as a cluster of dots in an infinite space. Those dots form a matrix of my identity, mixture of moments and life-- feelings and sentiments. Just haphazardly scattered with no real path or image-- More of me, an aimless wanderer! Sorry, i was supposed to talk about measurement, but i didnot know about any instrument which would measure the "void".

Write your own Epitaph, or if it is too hard, how would you like your Epitaph to read.

"Smile and move ahead"- Live on and live long; let bavery stand across your chest since it missed mine.

I tag everyone who reads this.
P.S.: No need to follow the rules :P haha!!!

I like Vicks Vaporub

2006-09-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

Been too many low tides lately so i perked up, collected myself and started analysing what i like the most. So, i am writing the silliest things i like (no serious matters). Here goes my list::

5 things i like:
Vicks Vaporub
White Socks
The letter "c" in cadbury
The cursive letters in "johnson n johnson"
Threads coming out of my old-jeans (in the verge of tearing)

So many times we tend to take people/things/habits for granted. How i wish i could just stop it. Even if i can prevent myself from taking people for granted, i cannot help taking habits and things for granted...

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At times i feel as though i am born to die... infact everyone is-- Even if people have made a difference in living standards and evolutions, what is the ultimate? Those people who lived in stone age were also human beings. What is it that we seek ultimately? No matter how much we claim to have done good with ourselves and our lives, we are still the same, hand in the pocket, shivering, whimpering kids-- when do we grow?

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Everyone talks about living the present, but i have tried so hard and have always failed. Every moment i live, either it is for my future or it dwells in the past. I cannot cut myself off the strings of past and future. I cannot live my present for even a minute! Anyone tried to sit back, relax and live their present? I don't know how it works, but i just cannot. As soon as i stop myself from talking/eating/working/sleeping, i clutch those loose ends of past/future. If it is not the past that keeps me occupied, i think of future-- I can even cry for hours, thinking of a future incident which is very unlikely to happen or some past incident which never happened (surprised? I think of a past life and add my own incident, a made up story, just like that, something that never happened really). When it is so easy to remain sad, why is it difficult to stay happy?

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Why is music so enchanting? Is it because of Harmony of sound or is it coz we were brought up with the belief that music is wonderful? Would a person, who has never listened to any song enjoy music like we do? If it is so, then it is clear that we have habituated ourselves enjoy music.

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Happy weekend! Who ever reads this, i would like you to drop "5 things you like" in the comment. No tags actually, just like that...............

My evil-luck-lover

2006-09-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have been losing my temper a lot these days, though i am trying not to do such things frequently... yet it just starts boiling at 100 deg C, the level rises up and longs to burst at someone.... anyways, along with my temper i guess even my brains are already melting (if i have any).

Well, few things love me too much, and at times i feel so proud to have --the street dogs follwing me while i am walking past them, me bumping on something or the other every now and then (guess what, even the small pebbels love me in this matter) and this time BAD LUCK seems to have fallen in love with me. No matter how much i neglect it, it keeps lulling behind me shamelessly. Okay, i am so sick of it that i would not mind filing a case against it for torturing since last few months (Anyone of you know a lawyer who would fight for me?).

Okay, i am completely screwed up. Things are going on too rough with me since last few months and now i am so sick of getting sick.... so i am all smiley smiley today... after all murphy's philosophy says "smile, tomm might be worse". So, me just smiling and waiting for a worse tomorrow.... haha!!! Either this evil-luck-lover of mine gets bored and dumps me, or i make it commit suicide!

Social pressure adding up and looks like everyone has the same question for me "when are you planning to abroad?"-- Okay, i have no intentions to do any of such things but all i say is "hehe... i am applying (God knows where?)"...

I have stopped looking at those silly newspapers where everyone in my country is accusing everyone-- I never liked politics, but this politics is affecting my habit of reading a newspaper daily. Now i just flip to the third page and scan the cartoon-section. I am so sick and tired of our Government, our Politicians, our Monarch, our rebels (i would prefer calling them murderers), our people, almost everyone!!

I hate traffic problems. Today i had to drive all around Kathmandu to attend my Spanish classes... and when i reached there (obviously 20 mins late), the teacher was unable to pop-up. Okay, then i had a hell coming back home!!! Waste of time and energy! I hate those protestors (rebels termed as Maoists) who raise an issue out of nothing and trouble all Nepalese to add pressure on the government! Why can't they just go and threaten the PM or the King?

Western Nepal is victimized by flood and Eastern Nepal by drought! What irony, we all suffer from different problems even if we have the same four-chambered heart, same kinda brain, two hands and all the five sense organs... If God(Or any supernatural body) designed us in one way, why are we so different? Why are our sufferings different from each others? Why do thoughts vary?-- Maybe to add spice to the world? How ould it be if everything was same, everyone thought the same, everyone understood?? BORING WORLD-- maybe?

Tomorrow is Indra Jaatra, Public holiday--- I am to slog in my work place :(

I have hell of work to finish off with and my computer seems to have lost its sense-of-response!!

My left hand is aching... and i can't carry on with this one hand typing. Okay, off i go...

Fear of "........"

2006-08-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

Whe i was a kid, i was always scared of seeds. Seeds i mean-- fruit seeds, berries... blah blah... Reason behind: Very simple-- One of my cousins told me that if i ever swallowed a seed, the plant would grow inside my stomach. Gosh! i would never ever do it, imagine one orange tree inside your tummy, pricking you every now and then!(i have a big pack of cousins who are way much older and i used to be their guinea pig *for their pranks*!)

I wouldnot touch chicken... think about a rooster, cuckoodoodledooing (pardon my spellings) from some inside-place of my intestine! God! i would just choke at the idea of it.

I did come out of the fear of dark and ghosts in an early age, but i still remember how i used to panic at the idea of going to the balcony at nite. Why was i so scared? Did i think of some boogeyman to come out and eat me up? I don't know! What was under my bed? What was there lying in the dark corners of the store-room? I don't really know, actually there was nothing. What was i scared of?

While we grow, some people out of the blue come a set that fear inside our brains. So, slowly that comes and envelopes our logic, our rationale. I know a few people who are still scared to enter the loo at the middle of the night. What lies in all this? Fear, or injustice done upon us by some of out funny prank-makers?

Today, went to a fren's place. Her daughter was not eating properly (1 yr old kid) and so my fren was all full of threats "eat fast, otherwise i will throw you out", "open your mouth otherwise haau (a typical word for ghosts *for kids*) will come and eat you up. The kid was learning/hearing these things at the age of 1, when will she realize that there is no "haau" to come and eat her up, her mom wont throw her out? 7, 8, 9, maybe 10. So for the next 9 years she will live with this virtual fear!! I know my fren's intentions were not to develop some kind of "mental torture" to that baby, she just wanted her to eat well, but was it the right way? Would such threats help that kid?

Sometimes i think how good it would be for any individual to grow up when they are taught to fear the things that are worth being scared of. Half of our fears have been the result of threats and pranks in our childhood. Fear of this, that, dark, light, crows, vultures... blah blah!!

I don't think i would let my kids live with these kinds of fear in their lives

We click so well...

2006-08-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you get close to the person you never imagined to talk to. I mean, someone who is so different than your own self, someone who thinks, feels different and is completely different from you. Yet, you click so well to this person.

Sometimes, you dont even need a day to get close to someone, just a chat for about an hour or maybe just 20 mins and you feel so intimate. Sometimes you have never met, just a few conversations on the phone and you feel as though you know the person so well.

I have come across many remarks from my frens like :"how can you talk to him/her, he/she is so irritating". But for me, i like that "xyz", i mean he/she is not irritating for me! "How can you get so close to "abc" when you guys are just poles apart"-- and then i am like, "we just click well". What is this whole clicking business?

You might never get close to the one who has been with you since years, you can just be opening your heart to the one you've met a week before. The most likely fren might not be so intimate like the one very "unlikely" is. Why so? Why cannot you fall in love with the best, but yeah when you fall in love, you see the best in the person who is bot really the best. You might just be thinking of the person you bumped into on the road though he might not be a hunk, but there is something that attracts right? Whats that?

Maybe some bio-chemical reactions in the body, but still why do those reactions occur because of some particular person? Why is it so appealing to your mind or your eyes? Some say, its a case of "energy space", you cannot help yourself falling spellbound by someone's aura. Is it so? Then why did the person's aura not-affect anyone else in the street/hall/classroom/office?

When is the exact time when you realize "this is the one i have been looking for?". When do you think that this person is the one with whom you can spend your life with? Does the person know you completely? Do you know him/her completely? Nothing is 100% but what is the thing that gives you enough confidence to say the "yes"?
To make it short, what is it all about clicking?-- Frequency of thought? Intensity of feelings? Attitude?

Ignorance it is in me!

Its just me, maybe?

2006-08-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, here is a very dark confession i have to make. Though i knew it since years, i never had the guts to let it out infront of people, but today i guess i am gonna make it. Those who already know how evil i am, know about this secret of mine::

I love to see my beloved cry: Yes, i like to see them happy like everyone else but i love to see them cry when i am around. Why? I dont really know. Maybe it is the desire to see the pain and help them alleviate that hurt or something. Maybe it is just the desire to be there by their side when they are depressed or suffering. Maybe its just the evil me.

I know it might sound silly when i say this, but i have my own illogical eclipsed thoughts behind this.

Whenever we have a party or something, i dont miss a single fren and i make sure that i call everyone to celebrate. Its fun to have people around me when i am happy and i love to share it with my friends, But, when it comes to the old depression in me, i dont call anyone. Okay, there are a few people who i would really need at those moments, but all of them are miles away, trying to make a future. Why do i forget all these dear frens when i am low?

The answer is simple, I need the people who would understand my silence and depression; other than that, i wont need anyone. I wouldnot like to explain anything to anyone, so maybe i just need those few who dont need my explanations to understand my problem. I would show my tears and my pain to those "few".

Maybe the selfish and the greedy me speaks all this, i want to be among those "few" of my beloved ones.

I know it is not a big deal or a very big thing to ponder about. I was talking to a fren, and when she said she wanted to see "xyz" happy always and would never tolerate the idea of tears in "xyz"'s eyes.... i had different thoughts in my mind. Is it evil me or the abnormal me? I know i have this dumb kinda logic to support my idea, yet....

Anyone of you ever felt so?

Losing Identity

2006-08-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

I was staring at my Spanish dictionary-- not thinking, just staring with small fragments of thoughts sticking around my brain(S-P-A-N-I-S-H *printed in red), no concrete idea, no frame! Then i just moved my eyes to 15 deg and saw the cover page of "Bhagwat Geeta" (okay, i am very much secular in the terms of religion, but i like reading those books).

Suddenly that feeling of "losing identity" creeps in. Usually we feel we are nothing when we feel low and completely lost, depression makes us feel uneasy! This is very much different from that, its just a feeling that comes in from nowhere and you feel as though you are not there anymore. infact nothing is there, everything dissolves in VOID, everything comepletes in void, you are not uneasy anymore, you are not roubled now. A feeling where you feel nothing, no existence, no presence, just the complete void. Something like-- "okay". Not just the idea of shrugging off something with that intimidating "okay", but the calm and peaceful "okay" which is complete within itself, which is not intimidating, but accepting.

This feeling does not last for long, maybe just a few seconds and before you can really analyze what it makes you feel, its vanished from the surface, dissolved in the air. Just the reminiscence of pure bliss lingers in the atmosphere. But on the same hand, you dont crave for the same feeling again, you still have a few pieces left. After a while, you want to feel again, enjoy that moment, that peace. So many times i have tried explaining this to friends and ppl ard, but seems like i am too incoherrent, i dont make sense, and to a few, i sound crazy!

Okay, i guess i am not talking sense now!

On the "research" note, have you ever tried knowing the exact time when you fall asleep? It can be within a minute or within an hour. But we dont know that particular time before we really doze off. Usually, its something like, i was reading till 1/2/3 am, later, i dont remember i fell off to sleep. So many times i have tried learning the minute when i really fall off to sleep. Sometimes i wonder why cant we learn the exact timings/methodology of our own body-mechanisms?

I guess i should try it again for the zillionth time.

"The day my God Died"

2006-08-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

Documentaries have a different impact in the mind; it is so different from the movies we watch. Today, i went to watch this documentary. I was so eager to gorge my eyes upon this particular documentary coz last time when we had this "film festival" in Kathmandu, i didnot get the tickets for "the day my god died". It was awarded the best documentary; so i would recommend this to anyone who is interested!

It is about women trafficking; girls (even minors) are traded from this himalayan country to various parts of the world for money; sometimes even 5000 Nepalese currency! This film mainly focused on the girls who are trafficked to Mumbai, India and made sex-slaves there. The brothels we filled with Indian and Nepalese girls. Overall the truest and the most bitter picture in the face of nation where women are not considered with respect or dignity.

I was almost shocked to hear that 5 million US dollars change handsin one day, in the market of sex-trade, in Mumbai alone. Though there are nothing called "red-light" areas in Nepal, yet i know there must be places where girls are tortured and harassed in this trade. SICK, i must call it.

I always thought domestic violence is a very serious crime; domestic violence is what i have seen everywhere but i have not really encountered the cases of women trafficking in real life. Today's film made me see the worst picture!

When we talk about psychological pain, mental stress, we feel as though the whole world has turned upside down; but these girls were brutally manhandled and even murdered in the process. What pain must it be to be tortured, whipped, locked-up and murdered? I felt good at the time when i realized that "Maiti Nepal" is an institution which helps rescue such girls and helps them live further.

Though Maiti Nepal would not be able to do much because 90% of these girls are HIV+, still they can spend few months of their lives in peace! The most disgusting part was when i realized that cremation ground of "Pashupati Aryaghat" charged 10 time more than the usual cost to cremate a girl who was HIV+. I so much agreed with the coordinator of Maiti Nepal when she said she wanted to "kill everybody". Must have been so painful for her to see things in such distorted form.

I felt like a Sucker when i realized the real pain; the pain which i was blind to; though i keep boasting about feminism. So, i decided to go to Maiti Nepal tomorrow and check if i can volunteer anywhere! hmmmm....
Well, day wasn't very good. Went to a program for blood donation and as always i was rejected. Low_Blood_Pressure! hmmm... can you imagine its the 6th time i have been filling up the forms and not been able to donate blood!!!

Why do women have to suffer so much?

Depression attack!!!

2006-08-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

I am not a kind of person who would sulk in a get-together, but i always tend to have this depression attack once in a while. Well, that "once in a while" comes too many times... and sometimes twice in a day!! **humph** poor me!

So, this time i started analyzing my depression, sort of searching for reasons: No one came to tell me that i am too stupid to search for things that don't "really" exist. Okay, my analysis started and while i was going on with the analysis, i started realizing that "analyzing" is a tough job!! Someone (one silly person, who is supposed to be one of my relatives) suggested me that i should start questioning myself, it would make things easier. Okay, so i start taking my own interview!

Why am i depressed?
Good question, i dont have an answer to that... so lets start with the easy things first.

What happened today that makes me feel so low?
Its almost the same question i know. Maybe i will be kicked out of the job if i ever try becoming an "interviewer". Thank God, i have not applied for that!
If i look closely, i did what i usually do. Right from morining to night, its almost the same routine and there is nothing that could have left me so unsettled. Maybe, something good might have happened that day, but still the feeling of "incomplete" and that silly sort of tingling-my-spine is going on!

Hell, someone come and bash the hell of that relative of mine... (for giving me those silly suggestions and please spank me for expecting that would work!

So, then i try to make myself feel better; look across the globe and say, i am one of the previleged, who has something to eat, who has sufficient clothes to wear and who has some sort of shelter (okay, i have to depend on my parents for the roof, i might be kicked out any day, but still, till the day my dad knows that his daughter is half-mad, i don't have to pack my clothes and leave for some mental-asylum)... nothing really works! I still dont feel good. Who the hell on earth told me that "feeling of being previleged" helps?

Depression increases exponentially, i feel worse coz now i have to read about the people who are suffering day and night! Depression is like a part of life, poorest to poorest and richest to richest people are depressed. Depression is not something that comes in the absence of success. You can be very successful and still be depressed. Depression is not something which can lose its identity in the presence of love; you might have the love of you life in your arms, yet get depressed. Some people come to me and say "depression is self created". I just feel like knocking them down; who the hell on earth want to be "depressed"?

Depression is not gloom, nor is it sorrow; you may not have a single reason to grieve, yet you can get to the phase of depression. Now a days i have started this challenge with depression; i dont do anything to make it budge, instead, i try to writhe in depression:: Either the depression kills me or i kill it.
Surely, i am alive writing this blog so i am not dead; depression is also perfectly living, smiling beside me... hell!! its going to pounce on me i guess...
Can anyone suggest me how to kill it? Seems like it gulped down some medicine for immortality!

Sharing and caring?

2006-08-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

Back in school days i had a very close friend. She is still close to my heart but its already been 5 years since i met her. Anyways, we were room-mates, like a family, like sisters, sharing all our pains and happiness with each other. There was a certain kind of bond, a binding which made us be together during the rough and the smooth times. We even shared the tiniest of our thoughts.

One day, she got this terrible news that her love (BF) was beaten up by some of her cousin. He was brutally bashed up, as soon as she heard this, she started crying (howling would be the word). I remember we were strolling around the basketball court, and suddenly she broke down. I was confused, didnot know what to say to make her feel better, so i just sat with her in the "pavillion", and hugged her for sometime. Few juniors were passing by, and they commented something like "lesbians". Ahhh!! what bother, it never occured to me and we didnot bother!

Yesterday me and my cousins were talking about emotions and sharing things. We had a dispute about what are the two girls or two guys supposed to be sharing with each other? If two girls/boys talk to each other for hours, share their sentiments with one another, without any sort of physical relationships, would they be called lesbians/gays? The idea of being lesbian/gay is all limited to physical relationship or does it include things like emotions and feelings?

hmmm... silly thought...

today again we and my friend were talking about sharing things. He said that he finds it easy to share things with a girl. I started analysing--- i always find it sharing things with another girl. Yes there are many close frens who are guys, but still, the closest and the most personal things are shared between girls. Not only the undergarments or sex relationship, i find easy to talk to girls about life/career/emotions/infatuation. Lol.... and then i was wondering, if i am abnormal (are we supposed to get close to guys? *GOD* ... hehe) or is it always easy to talk to girls (whatever sex you are)?

In my case, it was easy to tlk to girls because you dont have to worry if the other person will fall in love with you later on, you dont have to worry that you might fall for the person. Things become simple and easy, no love crapp and no uncomfy feelings in the future. hmmmm.....

I was thinking, what is the weight of shadow??? hmmm.... :-)
Buenas Noches!

Alas!...I don't have answers anymore!

2006-08-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

When we are kids we have almost any answer for the "self-questions". If someone asked "What's your favorite color?" a kid will instantly say "yellow/red/blue.. etc". Slowly when he/she grows to maturity (physical and mental), that specific answer will dissolve in the air. Now the answer would be something like "i like blue/red/green/black/white, but there is nothing particular... it depends". "It depends..."... A very diplomatic answer, which gives you enough space for your negation or affirmation. It depends... on time/ situations/conditions... blah blah!!

A week back, i sat with a brush and paints... i didnot know what color to pick up to paint the sky. Would i take the brush and start "washing" the paper with orange? Should i use grey? Maybe blue? I remember as a kid, coloring the sky with crayons would be the easiest task... all of us in the 1st grade knew sky was blue and there would be a rising sun between the mountains. Coloring was fun, colors and their applications were easy. Does that mean i have lost my precise and specific choices/abilities with time?

Thinking too deep, even when the answer lies in shallow waters. We think too much, analyse too many things, take into consideration too many factors, observe too many expressions. This "too-many" factor makes us reach a level where we mix-stir-dissolve "too-many" things to get a weird result. But at this age, would it be logical if i take up blue and start applying it all over the sky? Would the picture seem logical if i painted a yellow rising sun... with spikes coming out from its circumference? Would it be logical if i say "the sun rises in the east and sets in the west"? Afterall, now i am educated, i know its the earth that revolves around the sun, its not the moving-body-sun!

Another part, while we were in primary school, we had this craze about slam books. We could fill up almost everything-- fav movies, fav books, fav stars, best buddies.. etc. Childhood was full of exactness. I think i knew what exactly i wanted to do. I knew my ambitions, i knew my fav subject in the class, i knew my favorite story in supplementary english, i knew my ever-loved poem by Robert Frost.

Slowly, with the power of analysis, with mental growth, this exactness started erasing from my mind. Now all i had left with me is vague answers, answers that were never complete within themselves (maybe i should start learning sentence completion, Grammar eh? ). Answers that usually forced themselves for a "fullstop" with a stubborn/liberal "depends".
Dimensions increased, 2-D geometry expanded itself to 3-D and later physics came out with 4-D and many other D's of life. Too many diversion, many streams, many factors. Choice of thousand of things that made me feel as a dot in the world. Horizons expanded, study of earth increased to milkyway, to universe. Nursery Rhymes sounded childish as compared to soft rock, heavy metals, alternatives and blues.

Knowledge and idea waxed and exactness waned!! Quandary started getting proportional to the amount of education and books (at least in my case)!

Kept me wondering, if i knew better when i was a kid?

Whats there in a name?

2006-08-08T15:03:00.000-07:00

I always had this funny sort of feeling for a name. I mean what is there in a name? Yes, i very well know that name somehow gives an identity to your self, still what is exactly there in a name? For me, pseudo names don't exist because a person is trying to hide, pseudo names are also a form of identity, an image with which you can come out to the world.

Blogging began as a vent for my illogical thoughts. I thought blogging would be easy because no one would really bother enough to know who i am. It was always easy to say things, share ideas without revealing your name to the world. And hats off to bloggers, they share ideas, it does not really matter who the person is, which class, creed, religion, not even name!!!

I somehow thought it would be fun to know faces of our friends who come and share their ideas. Ahem... we never know we have many among us who read between the lines, beyond the lines. We might have someone who will read faces as well...

Now lets come to the subject-- What is in a name? Not only the name, anything. What would we call water? Take for example a person who doesnot understand english. What will "water" mean to that person? Would he be able to understand the meaning of water? "Water"-- what is the identity of the word water for that particular person? Did the essence of water decrease/lose just because the person couldnot know what "water" meant?

I have been thinking that i have not really understood life, but just because i havent understood life, i wont have an excuse to run away from it. The essence/existence still remain whether i remain aware of it or not. It lies there, its there, present, real and true.

Ahem... i guess its time to go to bed, i am getting too vague??

P.S.: the blogger started getting a bit conked so i guess i will upload only one pic here... Yet more to come in the near future! haha!!!

Man is a social animal

2006-08-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

How difficult it is to say a big fat NO to people? I read about the thing called "favour bank" in one of the books, where people deposit favours and then one fine day take it back... the simple plain-old barter system in a refined, sophisticated way!!

In the primary school days, we had this funny chapter in social studies whose very first sentence said "Man is a social animal", this thing gets imprinted in our minds and then we become social animal forever. Who would make a change and write, "man is an individual with extreme potiential to make a difference"? No, the sentence we have been learning will keep continuing for generations. Slowly when we grow, we start learning that (wo)man is a powerhouse, they have the power to shake mountains, but yet again, man would always remain a social animal.

How many of us think of skating on the slanted roof (i know its dangerouns, when i was a kid i always wanted to), but then our maid used to say, don't coz its dangerous and what will the neighbours think? Okay, danger didnot bother me much, i was too small to think of dying, but the neighbours complaining to my mom about my "atrocities" would stop me... sullen, i would take my skates and climb down. Man is a social animal indeed.

Again i had this funny desire to scream whenever i feel like and i mom would threaten me saying, "look, people in the locality will think you are a mad-hag", i stopped again. Man is always a social animal. This thing remains for a long-long time: I would stand aloof in the school, being threashed by my seniors, never utter a single word because others might think i am too arrogant and stubborn, even when the teachers whipped me for nothing, i would never say that my friend took my notebook and my homework is there, completed.. because the teachers might think i am an indiciplined brat. Man is a social animal indeed.

Right from education to choice of friends, i could never go for the ones i really liked; i found the ones (who are supposed to be useless, disgrace... blah blah) very intriguing. Those frens were funny, they were good and they were helpful. But i never brought them home coz my neighbours would call me a "social-junkie" if i did. Man remains a social animal.

Society, a funy word it seems now. A place where you remain alone even in a crowd. A place where you have to give those fake smiles in a function; a place where no one is close to you. Society, a group of people, where it is so difficult to find someone who can understand the way you think. Funny, i went for meditation and everyone thought i was going to be some lone-hermit in the woods. A funny group of people who think meditation is running away from responsibility. S-O-C-I-E-T-Y... funny sort of collection.

Yet, there are groups with whom you can stay for hours (even in silence), there are people who you have never really thought about, spoken to, but they seem to understand you so well. There are people who won't laugh if you trip down the dance floor. There are people who won't stare at you when you are in your favorite-faded jeans (in a formal party).

Recently i have started this analysis of people. The real accomplished ones and the ones who are creative but not popular. Among the top businessmen, architects, IT Professionals and lawyers; all they think about is money, Public Relations, formal functions and once in a while donations so that they can see their bold lettered names in some silly sort of magazines and newspapers. The few others, who are not accomplished, they talk about how to get money, get people to know them, get popularity... blah blah. What for??? To be known in the s-o-c-i-e-t-y.
There are a few ones though, who live for themselves, take full responsibility of their own and their families without saying that they are "social animal", and i guess i have started admiring such people.

Funny it may sound, but it was man who made the society and now, its the society that makes a man. A man, an individual, a person, an identity... all mixes and fades away with the simple thing we read in class 1 "Man is a social animal".

i seduced him???

2006-08-05T05:39:00.000-07:00

We were good friends, i liked him. He was indifferent, smart, sensitive and sensible... i opened my heart to him because he was a great listener, and also a good shoulder to cry on... I felt safe with him, comfortable and easy... he called me up regularly, he initiated this friendship, he initiated the intimacy, i just accompanied him... then, he fell in love with me... he became demanding and possessive, i needed my space. The questions like "how are you", "how was your day" changed into "where are you going" and "with whom".

It was getting difficult for me to take him this way... i need space to breathe, i cannot go on like this with someone trying to hang down my neck...

Phone Conversation:
ring... ring...
Me: Hajur (my synonym for hello)
He: What are you doing?
Me: In the office, working.
He: What else.
Me (completely screwing up): Dancing with my boss.... (under my breath.. "what the F***")
He: What are you doing in the evening?
Me: I have a busy evening here... have a meeting and some appointments

............... long silence.................

He: Can i see you?
Me: Sorry, cant... have no time, we make it for some other day okay?
He: But i want to see you.
Me (getting pissed off, almost screaming): I cannot!!!
He: Hmmm... what meeting do you have?
Me (my temperature risen to 104 deg F): Some meeting reagarding project.

.....................silence again.....................

He: But i want to see you today
Me: What the F*** !!! I told you i dont have time!!!
He: Okay, what after meeting? Are you seeing someone else?
Me: Yes, and i dont think i owe you an answer to that.
He: Who are you seeing?
Me: Who the hell on earth are you to ask me that?

................... longer silence...................

He: ummmm (trying to check if i change my mind)
Me: Okay, i am in the office and i am busy, now i need to work... put the phone down.
He: No (the perfect answer he gives me... with a threat note in his voice)
Me (Sick n' tired): Okay, i am putting the phone down.
He: noooooooo

Enough, i end my call and stare at the cell for sometime. I am tired now.
Ring.... (his missed call)
:
:
:
About 15 missed calls... the cell keeps vibrating, shaking all my nerves. I dont throw it away, i just check his number and assign an empty ring to it. No more vibrations and no more rings... just an occasionally flickering monitor.

An sms after 15 mins... "i miss you". Okay, this is it!! i had enough for the day.
A call from his fren in 1/2 hr ... "you made a hell of his life, you seduced him, you brought him to a point where he is madly in love with you... u did all this and now you dont want to see him? You are such a selfish bitch, you will suffer for this... who the %^*$ are you to play with my frens life??.... (endless accusations, curses and threats)", i just listen and fight back my tears!!!

So, this is the story of my frenship... i seduced my fren, ruined him... sue me for this, i am just too tired to explain anymore. Okay i am selfish if i want my space, who the #$%^& are you to say that to me....
I come back home with unfinished work and tired soul, i switch off my cell coz i want no more calls and no more messages, i lie down, hold my pillow tight and "not-cry". I stare blankly... Why am i so wrong??? Always.............

Destined to this?

2006-08-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

When you are born, you are born under a certain arrangement of stars and your destiny is already fixed. Yes, someone would surely make your destiny, maybe its you or maybe its some supreme power. Someone has already written what all you will do in this certain duration of life, who will you meet, what will you think, what will you choose to be.

Yes, i believe that destiny is certain, its already stored in the memory of life. It is scribbled, carved, written, typed (whatever) in the letters that cannot be erased. So, does that mean if we were given a choice to eliminate whatever difficulties we have in future, we would choose as per our destiny. So, if we were destined to suffer, we would choose to suffer and if we were destined to bloom in glory, we would choose and work to reach that point.

For me, i never wanted to reach here, i never wanted to become an engineer, i never wanted to study computers. But i never fought back for what i wanted coz there was none. I just let go of things and floated with time, and here i stood with just nothing in mind, still floating. What would have happened if i desperately wanted to be something. Yes, even i had dreams for other things but they didnot seem so important to me to make me fight back my parents wishes or the social expectations! Crapp...

What would have happened if i would not have joined science after my 10th? Would i have had any option? Would i have joined something else even if i had been given a choice? I might have taken up whatever i am now, maybe with a different perspect, different thought, different dream!

Not only my life, all our lives... is it a neat calculation? Remember the strings that started the whole algorithm? Would step 3 arise if there would have been no step 2? Was it necessary for step 1 to be present to create a space for step 2? What would have happened if the string would have broken in some point? Would the designation be different? How would it have been?

Since childhood, each and every moment brought us here. The first award that we got, first confidence in the field of academics. The fist ever spoken speech with trembling feet, in a mass, in some school function, the first developed confidence to look at the mass and fee"okay". The first punishment, the first agressive note, first tear, first fight with the best friend... all those. All these moments add up to the life, all the moments, the bitter, sweet experiences healped us reach here.

Was it destined to be this? Was that first tear destined? Were we destined to get the first award in school? Was that first punishment pre-written?---- OF COURSE yes. If it would not have been written, if it wasn't destined, where would we be???

If you think you are free to choose what you want, are you sure that your choice is not destined? Are you sure that you have the free will to choose?? If there is something called free will, why are there astrologers and prophets in the world? Why does something called 6th sense exist? Why do dreams come true? How come we "sense" things???

Is there something called free-will or are we again destined to believe in the illusion called free-will???

Do we dream colors?

2006-07-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

When i fall in my bed to collapse after a tiring day (or even the laziest day), i start deaming, first with eyes open and then after sometime with closed eyes (mind). I fall of to sleep and then those blurred pictures, life, death, hallucinations... all those things, wrapped in one, penetrating in my mind, slicing my fear/confidence/determination... Sometimes nightmares and some other times the funniest of all pictures!

Almost everyone dreams (my sincere apologies if i am making a mistake in my calculations), sometimes these dreams are about the things/ones/places you have been thinking all day or sometimes in the week. Sometimes these dreams are the visual pictures of your fear/hatred. Sometimes you dream of vanilla icecream (well, i prefer "fig-icecream") and sometimes you see yourself racing in the winds, piloting your vehicle. Sometimes you might have wings liek an angel and some other times you might have two canines jutting out from your mouth (maybe a dreacula), you might look like a bat or a rat, you might be with friends or foe, you might be happy or gloomy, you can be chasing someone or might be running away!!

I always get the weirdest of dreams... sometimes i am jumping from the bottom of a valley to reach the top of mountain as though i have springs in my feet and sometimes i am riding a bicycle w/o handle or wheels (dont ask me how i ride, i dunno.. ask mr. dream).

When i wake up from the dream, the first thing that comes in my mind is either "shit, it was just a dream.. wish it happened really" or "thank goodness, its just a dream, sigh".

The second thing that comes to my mind is "did i ever think of this dream in my past?, is it just a part of my sub-conscious mind or is it a forcast of my future?"

The third thing that comes in my mind is "was my dream colorful, i mean did i see colors or was it b/w?".

The first thing is simple, there is no answer to it... it wasn't a question after all!
The second question was something that attracts attention, but i dont think much of it.

Often i have tried to remember the answer for my third question. I know a lot of you have pondered about it. I would really like to know if we see colors or bland dreams...
I am as always confused to the core!!!! help me!!!!

Playing on the background!

2006-07-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

"Out of sight and out of mind". Yes, like many other people, i tend to forget the ones who i lose touch with. There is another feeling that erupts before "out of sight, out of mind" takes place. That is the time when the people/things/subject play on the background.

When i have to leave a place, more than nostalgia, it is the curiosity and enthusiasm that roots in. I look forward to a new place, new environment and also start imagining the new faces of my friends, their dialects and they accents. I am so eager to meet a new life, new location and new "food" that at times i forget to cry (actually i hardly cry infront of people). So that is the insensitive "eclipsed" that smiles at the friends who are waving me goodbye.

Alas! the sensitive me starts emerging when i reach a new place, when i see things that look different, when i hear incoherrent words and look at strange faces. Now, call me selfish or mean, i start missing the ones i left behind. People, food, friends and even those alleys start playing on the background. I start hallucinating, imagining and unconsciously missing my life that i left behind. The songs, the words, the silent talks, the coffee, the books... almost everything appears clean in my head.

I dont really miss people i leave behind (okay okay, i am insensitive), but those people secretly dig a hole in my heart.

Have anyone tried "not singing" or "not humming" the song you hear early in the morning? It gets difficult for me to "not remember the song" i heard first in teh morn. It is difficult to "not let" someone/something". When you first hear the song, you dont sing along, it seems just something playing in a distance. When you switch off yoru player, take the keys and start driving, Lo! the song is there, between your lips. You are humming it unconsciously. After a while, you realize it is not a "good enough" song and you don't like it much, yet you cannot stop. You cannot stop singing it, humming it (while taking shower, while driving, while waiting for a friend, while shopping.. etc).

Playing in the background almost resembles this. You think of the person, the room, the people, the party, the car, the friend, the dark alley, the street, the hill, the while mountain... etc. It secretly creeps in the mind and after staying there for so long you realize you have been thinking of the person/thing you dont really love. It person never mattered to you, you never looked lovingly at the white mountain that shone at a distance from your balcony, the wall painting on the wall was never attractive, and today after days/weeks/months away from it, you are thinking of it, endlessly, without realizing.

It is not only the song, but people/things and even that little rose in your garden play in the background and you hardly realize them. Almost everything has existence, seems like almost everything touches us (even the coackroach that made you hold a broom).

I know it got too vague, and now i have finished pulling my hair!! ;)

P.S.: Keshi, your comment made me write this (okay, putting it in another way, i felt like writing) hehe!!... Yes, we feel better and worse at times. I think it is nothing to do with happiness or sorrow, we feel "anything" all of a sudden, without a concrete reason. I guess if we knew the logic behind our problems, we could have solved it. But yet we vacillate and continue floating on the tides (low and high)!

I just want you to know who I am

2006-07-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

-------------------------------------------------------------------

This has been one of my favorite song. I dont know what does it remind me of, i don't know why do i feel this song so close to me... The video of this song was not so enchanting, but the music and lyrics just takes my breath away.

I am completely screwed up today.... gave those glares to my boss, feel like quitting my job. Hah!! too much of pressure and such a bad treatment (i hate it.. so, no no to my boss) .

A friend has been "expecting" too much these days, aggrrlll!!!

Things just not running good with my brains as well... ufff....

Hell, wish i could go and climb Mt Everest's base camp... (when will that day come?)

Standing still in a race!

2006-07-18T01:44:00.000-07:00

Had to wait for someone in a coffee shop and yay, i was back to my favorite passtime-- standing still in a race!

It is something like looking at an animated movie, where everyone and everything is moving. You look out of the window and see people hurrying past, hitting each other, trying to squeeze through the crowd, honking to get ahead of the driver infront, trying to bargain, scolding the vendors, bikes moving past, zooming cars... everything.

You will see everyone is hurry, everyone is moving, only you are standing still. Again looking out of the window, trying to read the faces, trying to learn the expression, trying to hide your smile when you see someone trying to show off in those flashy clothes. Everything is moving to you, away from you, trying to hit you, repelled from you... but you remain still, untouched, just observing the scene. It is a bliss to look at it that way!

At least i can spend hours standing (rather sitting.. hehe) still. Sometimes it feels like the movies (ahh, it reminds me of Iris by Goo Goo Dolls, well...).

Looking at everything, things that try to touch you, things thatmake you feel sick, things that are attractive; yet you remain aloof, you are isolated; alone but not lonely. You feel complete, just sitting there, looking out of the window...

Human Addiction!

2006-07-13T11:23:00.001-07:00

I have always believed everyone is addicted to something or the other-- boozes to drugs, nature to silence, culture to traditions, history to geography, inventions to civilizations, learning to yearning, craving to indifference... blah blah **lets not get too deep into it**.

You never desire to spend your life with that person, you just want it... Its something like taking the drug, you want it, it makes you happy, you need it desperately, yet again you are afraid of taking it. You dont want to continue that drug forever but you cannot just come out of it. ***literally pulling my hair coz i am not being able to explain***.

Here is something i wrote long back for someone who called himself "psycho". Nah!! i was never addicted to him!!

The verge of nostalgia of being reckless, dreamless and aimless crept as a cloak of darkness over me. It was not a new feeling; I was well versed with the hallucination of my heart shrinking. This was what I called it, shrinking heart. It was neither physical or emotional nor was it some psychological problem. It remains there as an indelible scar in my mind , a hallucination which gives me the idea of my heart squeezing itself to get dried up, to wither.

A year back I came across a "different" person who nearly clutched my whole being. May be my ordinary being bored me, I wanted to be different, abnormally unique. For this, I covered up myself with different attitudes; some to make the fool out of myself and others to outwit the circle of friends. Love comes in only two forms (for me it never did) : physical and psychological. Unfortunately I never had any of them…. So the desire of hallucination, desire for love has crept me inside.

Coming across my "Mr. Wrong" was the most happening thing in my life. Infatuation of the teenagers and understanding of the adults did not exist at all. We neither loved each other nor were we attracted by any chance. The only term that could explain the feeling was "Addiction". It neither cured, nor destroyed us, yet those reminiscences of the moment, the dreams were more than enough to make me sit and write. Yet, it surprises me how I could be so engulfed by one thought, one person who I never loved, who I never cared for!!

The tides of my life came with a full swing when the anti-hero of my life came across. He was an anti-hero because he neither made me happy nor loved me just remained in my life as the necessary devil. He never made rules for us but made me follow the inexplicable directions!
August 2004, I met him, just another human on the road. Unlike the stories we read, I neither detested his looks nor admired his talks. There was nothing significant about what we spoke to one another, we just talked, without sense.

His indifference towards me, life, attitude and people set up as a challenge infront of me. I wanted him to feel, to sense, to cry for me; not because I loved him but just I wanted to see him defeated by my feet. The urge of seeing paraphernalia of his ego got completely over my head and unconsciously my diary started filling up with his name. He never gave me security nor agreed to my thoughts and due to this intimidation of his attitude I was pulled over and over again to him.

The misty grey eyes which are considered to be flirtations were just blank infront of me. I look at them to see the traces of some past thoughts or pain but I could see nothing. The uncurled eyelashes throw their shadows on the eyeballs giving the dramatic sense of beauty making the shapes of hidden treasure behind them. The eyebrows as usual were drooping down not because they were sad, but because their owner completely ruled over each expression on the face. On the contrary, I imagined my own eyes begging him to show me something about him. I always hated the way he ruled over me and did not let himself get affected by my addiction. The sarcasm in the voice, the acrid tones broke me and I could almost see my whole identity blurring infront of him. Either he was too powerful or myself am too fragile and weak not to withstand his energy-space. The stairs were invisible in his presence just because I was engrossed in his talks, enchanted by the way he gave answers to all my philosophical questions.

There was nothing in his eyes I could see, no affection, no concern; I could almost see the wall behind, everything was too transparent or everything was concealed too well. Since childhood I have been always excited about suicides, deaths, cold-murders and anti-socialists. Everything seemed to be so powerful and the people who could commit themselves to these powers were strong! I believed that was the strength. I looked at the suicide notes, pulled ropes, climbed cliffs and also brought sleeping pills but all the attempts went vain. I just could not destroy myself! All that I could do was pretend that I was dead, stayed aloof for days and weeks and boasted about my so-called hibernation.

When I look at my anti-hero, I can visualize him mocking at me, at my weakness but time and again I go to him for shelter. Maybe that was the peak of intimacy and I melted infront of him, depended on him, ran to him for security and all he did was pushed me away!! He was a sink for me, an outlet if I wanted to go away, a straw if I needed to float and a brother when I needed to cry. I liked nothing about him but couldn’t help filling the pages of my life with his thoughts. Unconsciously I dialed his number and coolly admitted! The hell with it! I blessed him because he never felt anything for me and cursed him at the same time because he affected me like hell.
I wanted him to remain indifferent to me: his blank reactions when I cried my heart out and his logical answers for my philosophical questions. He simply did not have any place for my emotions: they were of no use to him, even I was a waste.

Ironically, deep in my heart I wanted him to die for me, to cry for me! I wanted him to come to me, trying to reach me so that I could crush him. Till todate I haven’t been able to analyze what he was to me, what he is to me. I do come with an answer that he is nothing: too precious to be valued, compared or analyzed. Every morning I would wake up with the desire to see him and every night I prayed for him to go away from my life. He was the person I wanted to see leaving so that I could spend my whole life missing him. He was the one who could make me happiest yet I was always afraid of the joy he gave me; afraid of the intensity, afraid of my dependence, afraid of losing it.

Everything was much too perfect, much more than I could handle! He was so perfect and I somehow loathed his perfection as I realized my being a misfit in his life. I had the desire for hallucination, the illusion of myself being in love with him but the terminology "love" never fitted in; just addiction and intensity. Everything was too real to be a dream and if it was a dream, I wanted to shake myself out of it. I just could not live with the idea of someone not loving me!
So many times I needed his comfort, his loneliness, his happiness but when I sat analyzing it, it all became too vain! Everything looked so tiny and cheap: my existence along with it. The best memories were when we talked, about death, about pain, about suicide and about emotions without the slightest idea of pretension, without feeling it. Even now it sounds oxymoron: intensity without feelings.

Intensity is a raw word, which encapsulates crudeness, the nakedness of thought, the nude desire and the truest form of admittance. Feelings are refined, much to be used by poets and writers to keep the readers in dark. Feelings let you get diverted from what you want to understand while intensity pricks the eyes and mind. Yes, I was intensified in his regard but feelings are still unknown. Even the most insensitive people fall in the cruel hands of emotions and sentiments and he could remain no exception. December 2004 he came to me and said that he needed to see me. See him!! What more was left?? The nude intensity perplexed me and I stared back at time. Was it love??

I saw him in the nearby park center and when he came close, I saw the worst sight of my life. I saw love in those blank eyes! This is what I had wanted all along, this is what I dreamt of!!
He was too perfect for me; the idol of the perfection but maybe the perfection led me to the point where I couldn’t accept flaws in him. I hated those eyes because they made me believe he was a human being! I couldn’t accept a human being!! He came closer but a can reached his throat; he choked and blood spurted out. I neither cried nor wailed; he lied at my feet dead but not begging.

I looked at the can in my hand; yes I killed him: a cold murder. But I did what we both wanted. We both could not see another one weak or fragile. We loved each other too much to name our relationship or measure the intensity. We venerated each other to ask for the thoughts to be reciprocated! We both, the intensity, the addiction, the pain and the pleasure and it were too much more than we could handle. Everything was too pure to be placed in the world. Above all, he had all of me and I could not tolerate the idea of him begging to me for his own possession; for the intensified love!!

P.S.: Firstly, i am no murderer, its just a crapp that came in my mind (no real action, though the thoughts were true)
P.S.2: Can anyone tell me how does this heart "shrink". Mine does very frequently, till now i havent been able to realize if that is physical shrinking or emotional...
P.S.3: Yes, i am a bit weird at times, otherwise i am okay!!! lol...........

Setting free--- A Crime

2006-07-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Cyber Law!
This word never ticked my mind till date, but when i had to face the consequences of "unavailable cyber law in our country", i need it desperately.

They say that there is Cyber Law in our nation, but when today we went to the police station with the culprit who forwarded murphed (porn) pictures, we could do nothing much because we were bluntly refused as there is no cyber law. Even the inspector or S.P. didnot do anything, we were simply said that nothing could be done.

Okay, one of our classmates did it. A guy who completed his B.E with us, a boy with whom we spent our 4 years of educational tour. He was the person whom we finished our projects with, the guy with whom we gave our exams, mimicked teachers, sang songs in the class. After much tracing and finding we found out who he was and everyone was shocked. One of the most studious and silent guy of our class, trying to distribute made-up pictures of the girls in his class, that too when its already been more than 10 months since we finished college! SICK

Now when we had the culprit, his father came to us, begging, asking for forgiveness. The mind was resting in limbo, trying to hate the guy and sympathize with his father at the same time. Lack of law, and the culprit was left, victims unsatisfied, with fear in their minds... will that guy repeat it again? What will happen next??

One whole day spent in the police station. Those who think Indian Police are not efficient, i can bet that Nepal's are not any good either.

I talked to a lawyer later and found that there is something called cyber law. Why did the police officers lie to us? Is it all about power, or again the same male dominant society?
Agghhh!!!

P.S.: maybe i am writing so much about my "personal stuff", wanted to share... thats all.
P.S.2: why dont some people lack the simplest thing called common sense?

Seeking nothing?

2006-07-05T03:08:00.000-07:00

I would call it “tolaaofying”, i.e. staring at nothing for hours… thinking nothing, looking at nothing particular but my eyes would just focus at some small marks; I would stare at the curtain prints, some dirt on the carpet, maybe something outside my window.
Maybe I thought something during those blank moments. I don’t remember what I thought then; maybe the thoughts that popped in my mind were too tiny, very small that I could not frame them. So I easily decided for myself that I was thinking of nothing.

The ones who know about being blank or feeling void, wait… it is not it. If I was distracted, I would again try to search the same print on the curtain, the same dirt on the floor, the same thing outside the window. I would frantically search for it (if I had nothing else to do).

It was something like, living the present. I had no idea about who I was, what I do during those blank moments. I had no clue to what my habits were, my feelings or my past. As soon as I came out of those blank moments, all I would remember is “I was staring at something and darn! I am not finding it now”. After I came out of that phase, it would all be erased from my memory, just a few moments which were nothing, where I was nothing and I felt nothing.

I know many of us go through such feelings and moments. Many of us have spent so much of out time with that “nothing”. How did it feel???

Affection Vs Indifference!

2006-06-25T01:56:00.000-07:00

The two great signs of emotions! Affection and indifference, two traits which have been the greatest power of attraction and repulsion, the qualities of human nature!

It is very logical and obvious for a person to get attracted to someone who is affectionate, who drools over you, pampers you and cares for you. Again, it is very likely to get attracted to the one who is indifferent to you, who doesnot care whether you cry or you laugh. The person who would not shed a single drop of tear in your pain! One dies because of your tears and another doesnot even cry at your death. The opposite poles!

When affection is moderate, its fun, it fun to be cuddled, it fun to be loved and pampered but when it goes over your head, dishes fly and crash on the floor, you find the other person possessive and over-sensitive. The other person is over-reacting to your jokes. The other person is suffocating you, not giving a space to breathe! His/her body language gets extravagant and you cannot tolerate it anymore! Great... affection is distorted now!

On the other hand, indifference is mystry, a puzzle. How can anyone not get affectedby anything, so indifferent. How does he/she think? How does he/she feel. Why can't you make him feel bad or good? Indifference attracts in a different way, it creates curiosity and inquisitiveness, it creates a power to check, to experiment. It makes you so humble that you know you are defeated in the first round and yet you carry on with the fight. Indifferencegives you strength-- you can say anything you feel like because you know that "it does not make any difference".

In the case of affection, you know the other person would understand but the fear of "hurting" always plays in the background while indifference gives you liberty. Nothing makes no difference. Affection is good while indifference is enchanting.

Yet, I think we need both for ourselves.
What do you think?

They? We? I ?

2006-06-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

Amazingly for me things like "world peace" never occured, maybe i am a pathetic lout or maybe it is a big thing for me to wonder about. For me, things are very simple, very small, my horizon is too tiny and i havent been able to escape my own shell of "eclipsed thoughts", how can i move out in this big big world where people talk about big big things? I am not a hi-fi big shot, i cannot think about mending the corruption in politics, i cannot ask for mercy for all the culprits, i cannot ask God to give life to everyone, i cannot imagine myself standing infront of a mass and delivering a speen which can provoke the audience into a bursting applaud! I am too small, too tiny for such huge things.

So, people in Somalia are dying, crumbling down because of the serious hunger problem. How much are we suffering? Very true that we are not deprived of food, nor are we dying of hunger and starvation, but are we living? We might have chocolates and pastries in our fridge, we might have the whole stock of food piled in our stores, but how many times have we skipped our meals. Nah, i am not talking about skipping meals due to work or urgent meeting in the office, i am talking about skipping meals due to depression, skipping meals because something didnot happen like we wanted it to, skipping meals because we want to punish our stomach for some evil that occured because of us.

When i was back in bangalore, i hated "iddly and rassam" (i dont know how they are spelt, and my sincere apologies to the ones who really love these south-indian items *if i offended them*) and i skipped my breakfast and my dinner if i had no choice. One of my fren used to say that we should eat because "millions of people are dying for it". Till now i havent been able to understand the link between millions of people dying due to starvation and myself eating idly. Maybe there is a connection, but i dont see any logic behind it. Maybe i am not far-sighted.
Okay, if it was about respecting food, i very much do that. I dont waste whats in my plate, but if i can manage to keep up with my choice without much fuss, why should i be compelled to eat something that i dont want to? Okay, if i eat idly and if one kid survives because my stomach is full, i will be happy to do it, if not... why??

It is not about how much we feel for the hungry and dying (i am sure eveyone has a sensitive heart and everyone is compassionate), i am talking about how much do we feel for ourselves. Do we feel enough for ourselves to make sure that we remain healthy? Do we feel enough for ourselves to check on that we make the best out of our resources, to try living with our choices? Do we feel enough for ourselves and take time to think about us? How many minutes/hours do we think about ourselves (strictly us, not our depressions or frustrations). How much do we analyse ourselves, our metabolism, our thoughts, our way of thinking, our feelings, our sensitivity?

Maybe i am too selfish and too narrow-minded to limit everything to myself. I respect all living and non-living things but until and unless i explore myself, how can i have understanding about others?

Tags! Beware!!!

2006-06-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

Accent: I think i have no accent... thanks to my changing geographical conditions(lol)!
Booze: Vodka (with a mix), Gin and yee for tequila
Chore I Hate: Answers useless questions and watching *few* giving me those stupid glares!
Dog or Cat: Cat, Feline category afterall.
Essential Electronics: My PC (nothing hi-fi, its my junk e-box), and my cell phone(which i keep throwing once in a while)!!!
Fav Perfume: Nothing particular, i prefer musk...
Gold or Silver: Silver, dont ask me why, i dont really know!!!
Home: Nepal (the himalayan kingdom??)!
Insomnia: haha!! whats that?? i am a loghead!!!
Job Title: I don't really know. If asked about the present, i think i would say system analyst.
Living Arrangements: At home (a usual family way).
Most Admirable Traits: whew! i hate criticizing myself, but i have no choice other than saying-- i dont have any,Sorry!
Number of Sexual Partners: If you ask the "sex" thing, well, none!
Number of times in hospital: Uncountable, few for myself and lots many for others.... well, if i count for myself, almost 5 times-- high fever, bicycle accident, fracturing my leg, muscle cramps, **some problem with lungs (even the doc couldnot find out what it was)**
Quote: Dont have any, hmmm..."Make it simple"
Religion: No idea... am trying to find one... what about "eclipsism"... haha....
Siblings: A sis and a bro (both younger... *that makes me the elder, responsible child*... lol)
Time I Wake Up: No particular timing, if i have to, i get up early sometimes, well who know me personally, dont laugh!
Unusual Talent or Skill: I dont really know, i think everything in me is very natural and obvious, nothing unusual!
Vegetable I Love: Mushroom, Lady's fingers, bitter gourd!
X-Rays, Last time: A year back, for my rib-cage (i dont know why, but the doctor insisted me to).
Yummy Food I Make: I am no good cook but yet i can manage to make good chicken, and carrot pudding (i learnt that recently).
Zodiac Sign: Cancer (typical).
Love of my life (added by Keshi): hummm... :) ;) ??? ;) :) **My stupid glares**. Dont really know, never thought about it!

P.S.: Pradeep made me do all this, so all who read it, i tag you all........... Buen Suerte!

Time duration between two ripples

2006-06-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Watching the ripples is something that stirs me up, a feeling of nostalgia and sorrow, ecstacy and pain, all wrapped in one. Sometimes i hate the thing that created chaos in the silent waters and sometimes i bless the soul which helped beautifying water, making such beautiful circles.

Each ripple follows the other, when a ripple gets diminished, another appears on the surface; same intensity, same radius, same curves and same frequency. Life might not be so precise, things might not follow us with the same frequency, happiness and sorrows might never come one after another. Intensity and the edges might not be same, borders and horizons might change their dimensions, yet we remain the same, or do we change like the diminishing ripples? Where do we go, dissolve in the water?

When someone knows you too well, there is nothing to talk about, when you talk to a stranger (don't ask me why would you talk to a stranger at all), there is nothing to say. One is the arising ripple and another is the fading one. So, will your "i know-better" relationship fade away? Maybe yes, maybe no... Heck! Why am i comparing life with ripples? Maybe because i feel mine has been one, or maybe i have no other ways to analyse!

Leaving my footprints behind!

2006-06-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever tried turning back and seeing if your footprints still exist on the path you treaded upon? If it was a scorching hot day, maybe the road was too flared up to let you prints stay behind, if it was a rainy day, maybe the soil soaked some of your existence in itself. If it was a dry path and your soles were wet, you will make the mark, if the path was wet, your soles would press too hard and put back some imprint. Maybe the nest rain would wash it away or maybe the next passerby would rub it off from the surface.

The point is, your footprints would not remain there for ever. If you care for a person today, it is not necessary that you would care for the same person equally for another day as well. Yes, time heals and time kills, but then, were those feelings fake? If you cannot remain the same for a life time, are you supposed to be fickle minded? Is it compulsory that you should feel the same always?

To make you remember one person, one incident, one thought, you have to keep memorizing it all the while. What would happen if you had a name and you never used it, you never told anyone what your name was, you never had a certificate, nobody ever shouted out for you... Would you remember your own name? If feelings are not etched time and again, would they remain same forever? Why all the grudges then? Why the same old crapp "she left me, he dumped me, blah blah". For heavens sake, why do we always expect the other person to reason like we do, to feel like we feel, to think and understand what we want to? Why do we expect the other person to spare us some time when we are not willing to give the same time to the another one?

Why would you cry if someone didnot understand you pain today while you forget all the suffering the other person went through? Why do we think that the other person will be by our side when we have already left the other person months/years/decades back? Why the hell do we expect so much, why aint there a limit?

Today, i think i have realized a few things myself. I neither feel sorry for myself, nor do i consider myself wrong:

1. If you think the relationship is worth keeping, stick by it no matter what, take time to nourish it, flourish it and give time (atleast sometime) to remain worthy of it. But if you think you dont bother much, dont give a damn, no one will give a shit to what you feel. Feelings are just your own made-up stories and no one has time for stories.

2. If you have never tried understanding someone else, rest assured that your thoughts will also be misunderstood. Actions speak louder than words, so justify your actions with further actions, not just mere words.

3. There is nothing called unintentional pain, if you hurt someone, it is "hurt" -- hardcore truth and by saying "i never meant to, blah blah", you are just trying to run away, but you will have no escape. Admit your mistakes, there is nothing called "intentional" or "unintentional"

4. Whatever you get, you chose the way. You choose to suffer or to gain happiness, you chose the easy way or the difficult one, you chose to fight back or give up--- It has always been your choice, so now when you have to face the consequences, take them gracefully. Afterall you reap what you sow.

5. Truth remains truth, it lasts just the moment, nothing is universal. Even if it remains for one second and is applicable for one person, it is the truth. It doesnot matter which philosopher came and said what to you. Your truth is yours, dont expect anyone to agree with it.

The Crazy "M"

2006-06-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have always been trying macadamize by otherwise empty thoughts with the small miseries that come my way. Maybe it is a deep-rooted disorder, some chronic disease in me that makes me fill in the gaps with few funny sort of things. Sometimes these things along with my company seem to be a bit manic, sometimes funny and sometimes different.

I remember when i was in the ninth standard, i had this madness to complete one while chapter using only "sine theta", and i was so engrossed with it that i had to finish up with my task, irrespective of the time i had, irrespective of the possibility. That was the passion, the innocence and the zeal. Now what happened to all the enthusiasm? Now, seems like i have just mawkish thoughts, some mercenary desires, few malignant wishes, some mendacious prayers! I am left with miseries, made-up-virtual pains, misconceptions and misunderstandings ; the crazy "M", mood and madness.

2006-05-31T08:36:00.000-07:00

I have always believed that there is a time for everything, a time to collapse oneself a another time ameliorate. The rotation of darkness and light keeps moving in circles and in this circle we try to stabilize ourself in a corner (maybe i too am searching a corner in the circle). Lady luck and dame fortune lie on the same side of the wheel, so if one left you, the other will as well, but both will come back after a certain time.

Well, here is a poem by Khalil Gibran "The Poet", a poem that touched my heart,

*********

On Pain

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses
your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the
daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem
less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that
pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the
winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within
you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy
in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by
the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has
been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has
moistened with His own sacred tears.

Khalil Gibran

*********

2006-05-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

Few people who know me keep asking me about the insensitive and "damn care" attitude of mine. Funnily, i consider myself a very sensitive person (either i am giving wrong impressions to others or i am fooling myself, dunno :( ...).

A friend of mine came online a few days back and said "you wouldnot understand what i am going through, you have never been in love, you wouldn't know what love is". Had it been other times, i would have thought some organs in me are wrong, i have few thoughts and feelings missing in my body, but this time i believed that i knew it much better then she thought i would. I may not be so emotional as to cry for every single thing, but still i can say that it is the fright of a few days/weeks/months or maybe years. Yes, i agree i do get attracted to a few (very very few) and those infatuation stories are left behind. It seems like yesteryear when i last had a crush. Still look at my vanity, i think i know about love more than the ones who lecture me day and night!

For me love has never been more than a long talk with a cup of coffee, expressions of affection have been limited to a few "white flowers and chocolates", for me it had always been sharing about things, about lives, about feeling and moreover a few intellectual talks. For me love was always "liberty", where questions should not be asked (unless it is about knowledge). Love shouldnot interfere, it should support, love gives space for personal matters and sometime a few days for hibernation as well. For me love is not about thinking "24/7" about a person, for me it is a meeting in a weekend and sharing the moments. Yeah i know i am boring (romance has a different meaning for me)!!

About the "falling in love" part, i wont lower my standards. My standards are still the same, intelligence, composure and compassion is a must (there are 100s of other things as well,,, hehe). So to all my friends who ask me why dont i fall in love, meet me and find out my 105 lists of things and then tell me is it easy for a person like me to fall in love??? Hahaha!!!

By the way, can anyone tell me what "shrinking of heart" is all about?

2006-05-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

I am so very tired.

I am tired to the bones, my skin is peeling, my mind is screaming on top of its voice, my brain is oozing out and my heart is ripping itself apart. I dont know if i am living the pain or am i feeling the pain of life. I maybe wrong, i might be guilty but why should anyone else have to suffer for my guilt? Why??

At times, i worry unnecessarily and sometimes this fear engulfs m so much that i see a no way out. As though i have reached the dead end, i am cracking each day, i am conking myself, getting more lunatic and moody. Sometimes i feel my picture should be washed away from the canvas, i dont fit in the vibrant and joyous colors of life, i am too blank, too grey and very dull. I dont want the canvas to be spoilt because of me but i know my picture wont be washed away so easily.

My features have to be rubbed off, my fac has to diminish with every stroke of the brush, i have to be painted black to be thrown away. Someone has to wipe me off, i wish i could just move away, i wish i could do something for the remaining pictures which are so beautiful, so vibrant, so elegant and very enchanting. It is my presence which destroys the whole beauty of the painting but who kept me there? Did i beg to be a part of the photograph or did my painter believe in me. Whatever it was, i brought only disaster to the one who potrayed me to the whole world. I was unlucky, i was the devil, moreover my presence was catastrophic.

So i stand here, Bribing the Devil and Praying to God to help the person who got my being in the canvas. Please Lord help that person who considered me an angel while i always remained a Devil. Scratch my pictures, slice away my features, wipe my being or rub my shadow. If necessary, tear down the whole identity that is mine, but take me away. Take me to a far far land where i would not be able to reach anyone, where i would writhe in my silence and pain.

God save the Queen!

2006-05-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

Why does this heart feel so bad?

I try to forget the water filled teary eyes, and again the same eyes dance in the rythmn of pain, the drunk mouth, the sad heart, everything is looking so painful to me. I saw a mother crying and i felt like crying with her, she is not my mother, but she is mother after all. I could see a sister's heart clenched between the fingers and i did nothing to pull it out of that sorrow, it is not me to decide for that. This wretched life and the stupid creatures who live in here. Why did God give emotions when he knew all emotions will scatter one day, someone will cut the lives and laugh mercilessly while it stands bleeding. Still, why does this heart feel so bad, its not my life!

Shaken and scattered, i still try to bring the pieces together but seems like they don't want the unity anymore. Angry, hurt and desperate, i seek for someone who would tell me what to do next, but all i find is a bunch of people who say "its not your life, take it easy". I know it is not my life, i know it is not my problem, but still, why does this heart feel so bad.

Two days of restless nights; sleepless thoughts and nightmares have been resting by mu bedside, they snatch away my pillow, they cover themselves with my quilt and they even bask in the heat of my grief. I try to push them away, again... another tear drop falls down my cheeks and i wonder why am i doing this to myself? Maybe i am still humane, maybe i am still capable of feelings and sentiments or maybe i am just an emotional fool. What the fuck is happening to the whole goddamn world? Why should i care? But still, why does this heart feel so bad?

It is not because of love or affection, maybe it is compassion or maybe it is humanity. Whatever it is, it is not the question, the only answer i want is, how to get out of it? I am not talking about myself, i am talking about the whole world. What happened to all the obligations we were buried under, what happened to our respect for family and lives? What happened...???

Still, i should refrain myself from all this, it is not me who should be so troubled... yet, why does this heart feel so bad?

2006-05-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

Damn my brains... I forgot my password again and once again i had a hard time trying to recall those damn letters. I tried and tried, cudn't remember. Another trick: I tried typing all the words that i use frequesntly, the numbers that hold some significance in my life, and click! It clicked! It was my password i typed after 12 trials and errors!

That left me thinking, why are certain words, certain letters, few numbers so significant to us? Why do we usually hold a word so important while it is no where related to us. Just like i use the word empyrean, misanthrope, schizophrenic (aha! dont try... those are not my passwords, i was only giving an example). Those are the words which dont signify me, or my life, yet i have been using those words to give an identity to myself. Why? Why do we need a name? Why do we remember a few things as though they make us?

I am a kind of person who would always choose evil against stupidity, yet my ignorance in things makes me kill myself. Would i think evil than thinking stupid? I dont know, i dont know anything and the problem with me is, i analyse too much. I think too much and again pretend that i havent bothered my brains for anything. If only you could see how catastrophic my head is! If only brain squeezed out, mine would have oozed out of my ears and nostrils! eeekksss!!!

I know i sound very stupid as to think so hanky-panky just for my silly password, but maybe thats me... That is the stupid me who keeps thinking all night, gazes at the stars for answers and yet i dont get any. I was thinking, is my memory bad or am i just too careless! Ahhh... whatever it is, i am sure gonna forget my password again.

Forgetting the password, i am trying to recall how many blogpages i made for myself and then left after forgetting the password! I know i am too good (down from the bottom... hehe... silly)